1. WHOSE CONCERN IS IT ANYWAY?
How does one express concerns in response to another’s concern
and solve their problem? When I have expressed concerns to address another's
concern I have almost always found myself buried under a slew of new, even more emotionally charged concerns that either prove the veracity of
my initial concerns (at least that’s what my ego tells me) and
so solve nothing, or cause me to become distracted from the
original concern, leading me down a very different path where, of course, I find no answer to the original
concern and only more frustration. Inevitably I find my self wallowing
in an unheavenly effluent of angst and self pity, overwhelmed and lacking answers or solutions for anyone. It can sometimes take me days
to dig myself out of the infinite (and sometimes damned ingenious) thoughts
that revolve around these old and new concerns. There is no better conspiracy theorist than he or she who
responds to concerns with concerns! Left to my own devices, I could
splash around angrily for weeks, bathing in upset and dischord, gagging on self righteousness and plotting a sorry future in which I would be free of their
concern, but free also of a beautiful relationship within which the concern arose.
Advice for the equally demented: Spend time working out why you have a concern with another’s concerns, and not solutions. Are you being defensive? If yes, you are probably frightened of something. Don't be frightened. Very few people really want to hurt you, especially those that love you. Try submission, followed by
a swift sorry. Do you always react in the same way to the same
kinds of concerns? If so, do something different next time.
You never know, the result, which will likely be different, may leave you wondering why on earth you hadn't tried
something different before. I venture that you would always be better off trying to address the specific concerns raised from the perspective of the concerned,
avoiding making their concerns all about you? Their concerns actually have nothing to do with you! They
have everything to do with them. They are, after all...........their
concerns! His or her concerns. Your concerns about his or her concerns
merely feed into his or her fears and frustrations and will invariably generate a bigger mess than you had to start with. If you are lucky enough to raise your concerns about their concerns and solve the problem, it will have been by default only. The
person you are dealing with is a saint or an angel. Count your lucky
stars and please don’t think your strategy is a winning one.
Stand in their shoes, listen to their words, address their concerns positively and compassionately. Set
aside your fears. Trust. Look for solutions and not for more
problems. If you simply can't stop yourself slashing and burning,
just listen. Bite your tongue and listen! Don't bite
too hard though, you'll hurt yourself! Their concerns are generally only raised after much soul searching and
internal dialogue. Their expressed concerns represent a mid point in their process, not
a beginning. They are asking for help. They are asking for your
understanding. They are searching for a solution and believe you
can help them. Be magnificent. Set aside your own fears and
you never know, you might just help someone free themselves of a heavy burden, cleanse themselves of a long held fear, overcome a real concern and appreciate, as they will likely do, just how wonderful you are in the process. Peace.
(Aug 2007) 
3. THOUGHTS ON THE SCENES OF ONE'S LIFE
I have found as I get older, and become more and more conscious that every aspect of my life reflects my choices, both those
made with clarity and purpose and those that one might charitably call confused and poorly conceived, that each moment of
my life presents me with an opportunity to stage something special. As if my life were a play and I were the playwright;
the director; the lead actor and with a growing consciousness, one of the audience. I can write and play out beautiful
loves scenes with flowers, scented oils, rich warm fabrics, candle light and music. I can create rich family scenes
full of love and laughter. Scenes of shared friendship and brotherhood. I can create any scene I want. I
still sometimes disclaim responsibility for those scenes I don't like. As if they somehow wrote themselves.
The important thing, however, is that in moments of clarity, and there are are a growing number of those in my life, I
am able to practice and in so doing become a more powerful and skilled artist, consciously and purposefully creating; acting;
furnishing and casting scenes that leave me and, one would hope, my fellow thespians, empowered and full of
the joys of life. (Aug 2007)
4. THOUGHTS
ON WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK OF US
I
used to spend a lot of time worrying about what people thought about me. I would do or not do things, or say or
not say things for fear of their judgment. Maybe they'd think me stupid, or arrogant, or vane. Maybe
they'd think me cruel or insensitive; base or unevolved. Maybe I'd dissapoint them or fail to meet their expectations.
I wanted people to like me and hell, if I said or did the wrong thing, maybe they wouldn’t! I wasted too much
time worrying about being found out! Judged for being me. Then one day, I was lucky enough to meet an angel. She
appeared from nowhere and returned forty minutes later. She happened to be a young Jewish doctor. I
can’t remember her name now. What is important, however, is that she appeared just when I needed her, and stayed
just long enough to transform my fear of judgment. So how did I meet her and what did she do?
I was on a 'self help course' course and we were asked to write down in detail an aspect of our lives that had been
causing us suffering. The meatier and more emotionally charged the issue, the better. I chose to describe the
events leading up to the collapse of my family (now simply transformed, not collapsed). I wrote about the end of
a 23 year long relationship. About my terrible sense of loss. My feelings of failure. I wrote about the
impact on my beautiful children; the impact on my former wife; my manipulation and lies; my deceit and arrogance, my
confusion and emotional paralysis. You name it, I managed to squeeze every agonizing emotion into one and a half sides
of letter sized paper. After writing my story, I had to read it, word for word, over and over and over, to someone
on the course who I hadn’t yet met. That person was tasked to listen without commenting or expressing any emotions.
Of course, I was paired with a young woman. A medical doctor no less. Why I thought a young woman!!!
She would bloody hate me. My story would be her worst nightmare. She would think me the scum of the earth.
Lordy lord, I was in trouble. But I had to read, and so I did, over and over and over, word for word!
The exercise was designed to illustrate that our stories are simply a series of words, no more, no less. That it
was the meaning that we attach to those words that created our suffering. The more one read, the more distant the
words would become. As if one were reading a work of fiction. The more emotionally detached from the words we
became, the less the story would create suffering. You get the idea. I guess it kind of worked. Many of
us, including me, began to laugh after the 7th or 8th read through. Can you imagine? Laughing about the collapse
of my family in front of a young woman who either had a family she treasured or who wanted to build a family to treasure!
The angel didn’t laugh! She sat seriously. Unemotional.
Listening to every gory detail, over and over and over. Eventually, when the exercise ended, we shook hands and I thanked
her for listening. I knew of course that she hated me; hiding her disgust behind a polite smile. Wiping
her hand on her neatly pressed jeans, to clean me off. How could she not hate me? I was her worst nightmare!
Now, we weren’t really supposed to ask our listening
partners what they thought about our stories. It was our realization and not their views on our stories that counted.
Nevertheless, she was still in front of me and so, hey, I asked. I cringed, waiting for her answer; her onslaught; the
judgment and vitriol. Come on Ms Prim and proper, I thought. Ms, I’m a doctor and live a perfectly well ordered
life. Ms, when I find a man I want to marry, I pray that he’ll be nothing like you. Give it to me, I thought.
And she did. To my complete and utter surprise, she looked at me forlorn and anquished and told me that she was jealous!!
That I had experienced a relationship that had lasted for 23 years; I had children and lived as family man. She
on the other hand could not keep a relationship going for more than 3 months! This was a major source of her
own suffering. Well, what a shock. Jealous. Who would have thought?! Certainly not me. Not in
my wildest dreams.
I realized in that moment that what
I thought she was thinking was merely a reflection of my own judgment. My judgment of her and of me. A reflection
of my own disappointment and insecurity. I realized that I could never really know for certain what others were thinking.
That everyone brings a unique perspective to a matter; guided by their own experiences; their own fears and concerns; their
loves and likes. People rarely think what we think they’re thinking, and they never think exactly what we think
they’re thinking. Yet we create imaginary worlds built on our belief that we know! We leave jobs; we leave relationships;
we hurt people, we disembark metro cars convinced the woman in the fluffy hat hates us. We stress and worry, believing
that we can read minds. My advice. Stop. Next time someone looks at you on the subway for a little
too long, or appears to frown as you join the shorter line next to theirs in a store, or simply ignores you in the corridor,
don’t stress. You have no idea what they’re thinking! So don’t dwell on it and don't try
to guess. Rather than build castles on what you think your boss, your partner, your children or mother in law think
of you. Ask them. The worst that can happen is that they confirm your fear, which will provide you with
an opportunity to discuss their concerns (see first Whose concern is it Anyway!). The best that can happen is that you are
completely wrong and they tell you that they love, love, love you! Peace. (September 2007)
7. THOUGHTS ON THE THINGS WE TELL OURSELVES
I don't know about you, but for much of my life I have picked myself to pieces. Wondering whether I have
the brains to do my job. Wondering whether I'm a good father, a good son, a good friend or a good lover.
I have questioned whether I am as generous as people think I am. I have worried about the way I look. I've stressed
about my racial identity, my libido, my receding hair line. You name it, I've worried about it.
My tendency to fixate on such things started early. When I was a fledgling teenager, I remember being
told that my butt wiggled when I walked. I became paranoid and started wearing a long coat to school to hide
the wiggle. I was the kid with the perspiration problem in the summer, refusing to take off his coat in 90
degree temperatures! My mother told me that the name callers were just jealous as they wanted a large, wiggly bottom
like mine. That triggered a whole series nightmares in which I was chased by jealous school girls with garden sheers,
hoping to cut off my butt and steal it for their own beautification. As I’ve aged, I have become
less self critical. I have also been less
inclined to accept, without question, the judgments of others. I don't know about you but for a long time, my reflex
action when criticized was to accept the criticism as valid and question myself. It was only after
I had time to think, that I was able to see beyond my own self doubt and test, and when appropriate contest, the criticism. Instead, I have become
much more an ardent observer of me. Fascinated by my odd thoughts and behaviors. Wondering where the thoughts
come from. Trying to be dispassionate in my observations. I’ve been told that I analyze things too
much. That I should chill and accept the way things are. That’s great advice. After all,
things are what they are. But why do I get upset when someone calls me wrong when I know I can’t always be right?
Why in the name of generosity do I refuse to let others pay for my meals and deprive them of the gift of giving?
Why do I go to work some days and fall in love with my fellow subway passengers, and on other days, for no apparent
reason, wish I could expel everyone one of them from my carriage.
Am I too self critical? Do I spend too much time thinking about things? Am I strange? Ok, maybe the butt dreams were a little odd, but really, am I the only
person around here that spends a lot of time questioning themselves.
Do I spend a disproportionate amount of time analysing my actions. Am I alone in being a little too hard on myself?
I don't think so.
In my experience, we are all our worst critics. I have not met a single human being that does not
harbor one or more fundamental concerns about who they are. People commonly believe they are not enough, that they should be more of this, or less of that; somehow better and more
like him or her. We believe that we are not capable, not loveable, not intelligent enough. These thoughts are at the root of much of the dysfunction in our lives.
They get in the way of relationships; create problems at work, upsets and illness. The difference
between me and some others is that I may be a little more transparent. I am prepared to air and admit to many of my
secret thoughts. To analyze myself with, and be analyzed by, my friends and family. I know that everyone has stuff. There are those that are prepared to acknowledge and air their stuff and others that are not. Most people hide their stuff because they are afraid
of being judged or discovered! I mean, if you don't think you're loveable yet want to be in a loving relationship, you may not
be inclined to reveal the truth about yourself, as you see it. After all, who'd love someone who isn't
loveable! But listen, I have a secret for you.
Our little secret thoughts and doubts about who we are, aren’t who we are. They are simply things we say about ourselves.
You are loveable, even if you think you’re
not. You are brilliant, even if you tell yourself that you’re
dumb or not capable. You are beautiful, notwithstanding and because of your humanness.
Think about it, if you stopped calling yourself names; if you accepted yourself for who you are, you would
be perfect! You are perfect. Nothing can change that. No dirty little secrets, no
acne or bald patches, no upsets or outbursts. I came to realize my own perfection at the end of a very difficult
and often painful journey. As that realization took hold of me, I felt the world lift from
my shoulders and cried rivers of tears. I was free to be human without fear of what that means. I am no more or
less than anyone else. You are no more or no less than anyone else. We are all magnificent. The
odd things we think about ourselves are just that. Odd things that humans think. In my experience, airing one's thoughts can be powerfully cathartic. Don’t be afraid to discuss your stuff with others. Fresh, new perspectives can break
the circular nature of the internal dialogue that we have with ourselves. Start with people you trust. People that love you. You’ll be amazed at what
they already know about your little secrets! Such discussions, as well as being entertaining, can help
one rediscover oneself. One can gain incredible insights into why one does what one does. While
we like to think of ourselves as unique, you would be amazed at how similar our experiences are and how much others can contribute
to our understanding and appreciation of ourselves. Such dialogue is magic. It
generates epiphanies. Transformational moments of realization. Why deprive yourself of the opportunity to express your complete
humanness or leave opportunities to do so on the table. Trust me, there is nothing that you or
I have done or thought that hundreds of millions of others have not done and thought before us. There are no new
dirty little secrets, thoughts or doubts. There is no need to beat yourself up. Rather be an observer and have
fun with you. Don’t be afraid to admit to who you think you are. That
admission may be the beginning of a sublime journey of discovery. Listen, if you don't air your secret thoughts
or self doubts with others, it's not the end of the world. You'll be fine. My sense is that one
would generally be better off confronting the silly thing you think about yourself and sharing them with others that you trust.
Also, sharing your humanness frees others to admit and accept their humanness in all its glorious splendor. Enjoy the
journey.
10.
THOUGHTS ON TRANSFORMING MUNDANE MOMENTS
My children live with their mother in the United Kingdom. I miss
them a lot when I'm in the US and have done all I can from the US to remain a present father. I call them every
day, visit them in the UK regularly and host them in New York at least twice a year. We have lived apart now for
over five years and although at times the distance can be difficult, the distance has transformed so many ostensibly
mundane activities into blissful ones. A shopping trip is now not a boring and painful exercise but a wonderful opportunity
to spend quality time with my girls. We can talk about boyfriends, school and college, future plans, the size of their
feet and the latest fashions. We can simply be together. I drive my youngest daughter to school when I visit
the UK and we can just sit together and let the world pass by. We listen to the music on my iPod or listen
to the radio. By turning up on time every morning I teach her the meaning of integrity. I can make her
a sandwich to eat in the car and enjoy as she polishes it off, allowing me to brush the crumbs from her sweater
as she leaves the car. When I am in the US, those crumbs, if they exist, are the stuff of dreams. They settle on her
sweater, thousands of miles away from me. Far beyond my reach. This Christmas my eldest daughter has a temporary
job at a large department store. I have driven her to work every morning or afternoon, depending on her shift.
I have loved the time we spend together in the car. We chat all the way in. I walk her to her store, a proud
father. We leave early to make sure she's not late and if there's traffic, it merely provides us with
more time to be together. Thank you traffic! This year my youngest daughter cut her hand badly while in New
York and I had to take her and her sister to the hospital. Of course, I would have much preferred it if she had not
cut her hand. Taking her to the hospital, however, made me feel like a real father. Doing the things
fathers do. I sat with them in the waiting room and relished every second. Yes
I am the patients father. A very proud one. There need be no mundane moments. Every moment presents
us with multiple choices. To recognize and create something exciting or fulfilling or to write the moment off. Separation
from my children has challenged me in may ways, but it has also presented me with a rare gift. The opportunity
to enjoy each and every moment with my children, transforming the so called mundane into the profound. (30th December 2007)
11. THOUGHTS ON OUR CONNECTION TO EVERYTHING
I have read a lot of so called 'new age' books that discuss our divine connection to each other.
The idea being that we can no sooner disclaim responsibility for who we are than we can for who the other is or chooses to
be or what the world looks like. There is a great passage in a book called 'Conversations with God'
that explores that issue. The book is written by Neale Donald Walsh and purports to recount a
three year conversation between the author and God. The author asks all of the questions many of us would like
to ask about life and the world and God provides the answers. Now whether you want to believe the answers are coming
from God or not is not the issue. You don't need to believe that at all. If you choose to read the book, you
simply need to form your own view. Bottom line, however, is that the author asks God -
where does the soul reside? Is it in our hearts? does it occupy all of our bodies, our minds etc? God's
answer is that we occupy the soul. We sit within it and it permeates every aspects of who we are. I love the answer
as it explains in just a few moments the idea of divine connection. From a spiritual perspective, we are one. Our
physical bodies are somehow suspended within the soul. If we accept this explanation, even the idea of connection
doesn't really fit. The ocean is the ocean and one cannot imagine how the ocean can itself be connected
to itself. It is what it is, complete and whole, just like the single soul or spirit that we are and our physical bodies
occupy. So, I have been thinking a lot about the idea of divine connection and whether it has some practical
application in my life. Well, over the last few months, I have noticed more and more, the material impact I have on
the world and the people around me. I guess the stresses of making a new home with my new wife and new step daughter
have enhanced my sensitivity to such things. I have began to realize that there is nothing that I do that does not have
an impact. For example, in the work context, I had believed, at least on an intellectual level, that the culture
of an organization reflects its leadership. I would repeat the idea in conversations and folks would either accept
the idea or not. Now that I am part of the leadership of my organization, I see how my organization reflects
me. That is, every aspects of me. My creativity, my intellect, my upsets, my weaknesses, my drive, ambition
and fears. If I come into the office in a bad mood, I have noticed that very soon others in my team are
in a bad mood. If I come into the office smiling and happy, I have noticed that others in my office are likely to find
themselves smiling and happy. If I am moody and people cannot predict my moods, then I have noticed that members
of my team start to become moody. If I am inspirational and inspire my team with a rousing morning meeting,
they too become inspirational and inspire others. If I lack integrity and do not do as I say, then I create a space
in which my folks feel less uncomfortable welshing on their promises and commitments, even those they make to me, their
boss. If I am a good communicator, I create a space in which people feel more freedom to communicate and to communicate
more clearly and so create an environment of good communication. I can't come into my office in the morning and hide
behind my office door and expect more from my folks. If my expectations are met, it will clearly be more
by default than by designed. I have noticed that my every word, motion and expression is being observed by the people
I lead. Each communications I have with a member of my team will have some personal meaning for that individual. Some
impact on how they feel about themselves, their performance, their sense of commitment to me or the organization. I
cannot predict exactly what meaning my words or actions will have, but I know that they will have an impact. So my lesson,
there is a profound connection between me, and who I choose to be, with the people in my life. Whether I want to recognize
a spiritual connection is to a certain extent irrelevant. Because of the impact I have on everyone in my
life, I will think more before I speak. I will appreciate more the impact I have on those around me, particularly
those that look to me for leadership or who have placed their trust in me. If I see dysfunction in my office or life,
think first about what I may be doing that is contributing to that dysfunction. Take responsibility for me.
That doesn't mean I am wrong for being me. It certainly doesn't mean that I should punish myself for what
I have helped to create by being me. I love me! It merely means that I recognize my power and the impact
I have on people and the environment around me and make different choices, if that will help me create the people
and environment I would like to see and experience. This, of course, does not mean that as a leader, I should not
deal swiftly, resolutely and fairly with dysfunction in the work place or anywhere else for that matter. My dysfunction
does not excuse another's dysfunction. That is because we all have a choices and we are all responsible for the
impact we have on the world and the people around us. Yes, I may create a space in which a person can be their worst
and I can even accept that were it not for that space, a person may be their best. Nevertheless, if a person chooses
to be their worst, they will need to be accountable for that, as I am accountable when I choose something less than my best!
So, look for this connectivity in your life. The more you look for it, the more you will see it. It is everywhere
and once you get the idea, you can begin to reclaim the power that you have likely given away by indulging
the far more common and accepted idea of your separation from the people and world around you. (May 31st 2008)
13. THOUGHTS ON BARAK OBAMA Today is November the 5th,
2008. Yesterday evening, a new president of the United States was elected. He won both the popular vote and electoral
votes by significant margins and run a campaign like none before, making history at every turn. That any man or woman
was able to achieve what he achieved is incredible. That the son of a black Kenyan father and white American mother
was able to achieve this in the United States of America; at the grand old age of 46; with only four years under his belt
as a United States Senator; in the middle of the worst global economic crisis ever; during what many consider to be a holy
war between Muslims and the rest of the world; and with the name Barak Hussein Obama, is so incredibly powerful that it takes
one’s breath away. Now I am not one for expression of extreme afro centricity. I was brought up by a black
father and a white mother and while my appearance and sense of identity is much more black than white, I was not raised by
either parent to choose either black or white as an identity or to wear my color like a badge. Notwithstanding that,
it is our nature to want to belong and so for much of my life, I was challenged by my bi-racial roots. I was often conscious
of not completely fitting in to any racial group. While I could pass for a light skinned black, and often suppressed
my European heritage, I knew that I was not completely the same as my black friends and family. For the longest
time I considered my cultural and racial identity to have been diluted, without compensation. As if I had been deprived
of a god given a right to be either black or white, and ignoring the myriad advantages of being born into two rich cultures and
racial groups. My lack of a sense of racial identity was compounded by my lack of national identity. In
my experience, it is not unusual for the children of first generation immigrants to feel somewhat displaced and or detached
from the country in which they were born. I typically felt neither English; Trinidadian; nor Yugoslav,
unless I was away from England, or in Trinidad or Yugoslavia, in which case I would feel a sense of pride for my association
with each country. Now, if that were not enough, like many people of color, I have spent a lifetime struggling
to come to terms with a world in which black and white were more than simply colors. A world in which the
most powerful men looked little like me. A world in which I felt, rightly or wrongly, that I had to prove my worth
and work longer and harder to achieve parity with those who have tended to monopolize the corridors of power.
But on the 5th of November, 2008, when Barak Obama was declared the president elect of the United States of America,
I felt a tingling and almost overwhelming and equal sense of pride for my blackness; my Europeaness; my diversity and difference.
I experienced a new and strange sense of belonging to a world that appeared, through the elevation and election
of Barak Obama, to value diversity and difference; to acknowledge the connection between all human beings; and to believe
that powerful leadership and inspiration was not the god given right of the few but the devine inheritance of the
many. And so it was with unbound exhilaration and much humility that I watched myself step
onto the stage at Grant Park in Chicago and accept the will of the people. For the first time ever, I saw
myself in the reflection of the most powerful man in the world and my family reflected in his. And I am sure
that all of those who like me have at some time in their lives felt marginalized; who have questioned their own
worth in the reflection of others who are different and many; who have found themselves searching for an identity; or who
have been unable to see their magnificence behind their misplaced, diminished sense of self worth, saw themselves in Barak
Obama and stepped onto that stage in Grant Park with Barak, and me. I thank god for yesterday; for the hundreds of millions
of people all over the world that together made yesterday possible; and for the gift of Barak Obama and his family, through
whom god reminded us all that, we are one and yes we can.
14. THOUGHTS ON GETTING
TO KNOW OUR PARENTS Many of us have issues with our parents. We love them to death but for some reason, too often find ourselves frustrated or irritated by the things they do; the things
they say; and sadly sometimes simply by their presence. Sometimes we consciously or subconsciously avoid our parents
to avoid these irritations or frustrations. These irritations and frustrations seldom have to do with the things
they do or say today. In my experience, they typically relate more to who they were for us as children. If they
were fussy about our clothes when we were children, then we get irritated when they comment on our clothes or our children’s
clothes today. If we felt they were too tough or too heavy on the discipline when we were children, then we resist advice
or any sign of chastisement now. If they travelled a lot and so we missed them as children or if they simply did not
participate in our lives in the way we wanted them to, then we may resent or resist their demands or requests and in extreme
cases, exclude them from our family’s lives and become irritated when they complain. The list of issues is endless.
Our parents are not immortal. If you are like me, you tend to treat them as if they are. If your
parents are in their late 60s and 70s and look healthy and have a young disposition, then it is hard to imagine them gone.
We think we have forever with our parents and so we do little to exorcize those things that get in the way of a full and luscious
relationship with them now. In my view, we have no time to waste. Life is short, even when
it lasts for many years. There are of course many things one can do to start to deal with these often
hidden obstacles to a deeper and more meaningful relationship with our parents. I want to talk here about something
that I am doing right now that is working wonders! I decided about a year ago that I would write a short biography about
my father. Nothing too detailed. It took me almost a year to start the process. He
is a musician and so I decided to focus on his musical career. In order to write the biography, I have been sitting with my
father and asking him lots and lots of questions. We have gone back to his childhood, to his earliest memories of music.
We have discussed his decision to come to the UK, his early experiences in the UK music industry and the many, many musical
landmarks in his career. We work in front of a computer and so as he remembers events, we can verify dates and even
find information and performances by people that influenced him or that he worked with. It has been a wonderful and
sometimes emotional journey for the both of us. I am writing down the facts of his life. I am not injecting my own personal
views, opinions, judgments, feelings or emotions. I am building a picture of my father that does not involve my stuff
or me. I am learning about his musical life through his own words and as we work, something quite miraculous is happening.
I am starting to see my father for who is. I am learning about his contributions to the industry. The challenges
he faced. His disappointments and triumphs. I had not appreciated how much he had done and how hard he had tried.
This may be because I had felt that somehow, he had not tried hard enough. That he had sabotaged his own career for
reasons unknown to me. And so, of course, I would not look for evidence that would contradict
my judgment of him. These judgments are sneaky little buggers. They completely change the world we live in, blinding
us to anything that would contradict them. I had not perceived him as a pioneer for black artists in the United
Kingdom but now I do. I am sad that he has not been acknowledged and that so much of his musical career is now strewn
across disparate bits of information on the Internet. Today I called my father and told him how proud I was of him.
The telephone line from New York to London was poor and so in order to hear me; I had to shout it out at the top of my lungs.
God moves in mysterious ways! I am proud of my father and his achievements. Writing down the facts of his life
has revealed the man behind the many emotional filters through which I would typically hear or see him.
If you get the time and you have not done it before, sit down with you parents and ask them about their lives.
If you can, write their stories down. Let them tell their story their way, and focus on their story and not yours.
You will start to know your parents not for who you believe them to be, but for who they know themselves to be. Our
parents are not immortal. My recommendation is to start the process now. If you are lucky, the process will begin
to transform your understanding of and relationship with your parents. Maybe not every aspect
of your relationship, but sufficient to enhance your experience of them and certainly enough to create the possibility of
acknowledging them for the incredible, beautiful human beings that they are. (November 2008).
15. THOUGHTS ON ASKING FOR HELP Many of us do not like to ask for help, even when we need it the most.
The reasons are as varied as the people who use them. We think we can handle the problem ourselves, notwithstanding
that it is has become chronic and is spiraling out of control. We are embarrassed to let people know that we have a
problem, because we like people to think that we can handle our stuff, even when we can’t. Sometimes we view asking
for help as a sign of defeat, and winners don’t lose, do we? Often, we feel we simply do not have the time to
seek the help we need. Sometimes we don’t ask for help because deep down inside, in
some hidden part of our subconscious, we actually want the problem to persist. In my experience, this is a pretty common
phenomenon in romantic relationships. I have experienced apparently insoluble problem that, left unchecked, will undermine
a relationship and eventually result in its complete breakdown. Why on earth would anyone not seek help to deal
with such a problem? Maybe because they want the relationship to end but don’t have the courage or skill
to end it overtly. I’m sure many of you will have experienced a relationship slowly or quickly descend into complete
dysfunction because of a problem that you felt you could not resolve. Typically, a problem with the other person.
And of course, a problem with the other person is not one we can be responsible for and is completely outside our zone of
control, or at least that is what we tell ourselves and anyone else willing to listen. Sometimes the other person
keeps doing something or not doing something that create problems and notwithstanding our pleas for them to see what they’re
doing or not doing and how its impact the relationship, they simply won’t change their behavior! Well, what if
they do what they do because you do what you do and if you stopped what you do, they’d stopped doing what they do?
For example, you complain that they never talk to you. But then you rarely listen when they do or when you listen, you
hear only what you want to hear and not what they are actually saying. If you listened more or actually heard more of what
they said, maybe they’d talk more. You see how it works? What if the thing you are accusing them of isn’t
what they’re doing at all? What if you’ve made it up? For example, in one of my former relationships,
I would constantly accuse my partner of wanting out of the relationship. In my view, she had serious commitment problems!
And for me, these issues were as real as the nose on her face! She wanted to get married and spend her life with me.
Or at least, that is what she said - quite a few times actually. But I couldn’t marry her because as soon as we got
married, she would want a divorce and probably take me for every penny I had! Because, of course she had commitment
problems and wives with commitment problems marry you, then divorce you and then flees you. So after four years
of back and forth, the relationship ended. It was probably a few months later, that I realized that that it was me that
wanted out of the relationship for quite some time. I simply didn’t have the courage to say so. So of course,
I made it happen by failing to commit to the relationship and accusing her of the very same thing! These persistent
problems are not of course exclusive to romantic relationships. They appear in every relationship we have with world.
In our relationships with friends, parents, siblings, colleagues at work, the environment, authority figures; you name it,
you’ll find the strategy at work. Now, sometimes professional help makes sense, but we don’t do that because
it’s not worth the money and all they do anyway, is sit their, ask questions, and make notes. I have had a number
of friends who, in the middle of pretty ugly marital disputes, refused at my suggestion to speak to a couple or marriage guidance
counselor. They were always very creative is finding reasons not to take that step. It’s too expensive,
they can handle it themselves, and of course, it’s not a couple counselor they need but the other person could certainly
do with a few sessions with a psychiatrist!! In all cases, the marriage ended. No surprise there. Not that counseling
would necessarily have helped, particularly if the ten ton gorilla in the room was that they wanted out and didn’t want
to, or couldn’t, find the courage to say so. By the way, I do not judge anyone for his or her stuff. My
stuff is just as complex and I am beautiful, just like you. So yes, in my experience, many people do not ask for help because
help is the last thing they want, unless of course you are going to help them achieve their hidden objective, in which case
all of the smoke and mirrors can end. Don’t try to save my marriage or relationship, if you want to help –
shhhh – sleep with my husband! Then I can get rid of the bum quickly and save years of slowly grinding our
marriage into the ground! Now, we sometimes create problems to achieve a goal that we think we
want to achieve, but if we knew ourselves a little better, we may have no interest in achieving that goal. For example,
I used to have issues around my racial identity. They started at age 11 when a young black girl in school called me
a half-breed! Half breed! I was shocked to my core and so, so very upset. Animals breed, I thought.
Cows and sheep. I was not a cow or a sheep! From that moment, I decided I needed to be black, not a half-breed. The
problem, however was that my mother was white and she kind of got into the way of my new black thing. So I hid my mother
for years, revealing her only to my closest friends. In order to hide her and to feel justified in excluding her
from my life, I created problems between us. For example, I created an idea that my elder brother, Gary, was her favorite
and so why would she want to involve me in her life, and why would I want to involve her in mine. Stick with the big brother
mum. Leave me alone. This, I hasten to add, was hidden from me. Our games are typically hidden from us.
We bury them deep down in the bowls of our subconscious. We forget why we started playing them and they take on a life
of their own. These hidden goals become the root of cycles of dysfunction that we can’t get out of. We can’t
get out of them because we have buried and forgotten the underlying reasons for the behavior. I was so lost in my quest
to be something other than a half-breed that for years, I did not appreciate what I was doing to my beautiful mother.
Also, I didn’t realize how much of my mother I was depriving myself of. The games were very complex. For
example, my mother did not come to my graduation because I did not invite her! If I can recall, I told her that many
parents would not be there; it was no big deal and that she really shouldn’t come and be bored. Part of me felt
justified in making up such a ridiculous story because, courtesy of my complex little game, she probably wouldn’t want
to be there anyway. For years, however, I took my mother to Spain (three times) and Belgium (4 times) on vacation with
my family. You see, I love my mother very much and could manage expressing that publicly in a country in which there were
very few black people. Of course, in such a country, in my mind, folks may not realize that she was my mother or no
one would care that my mother was white. I could not be outed! In fact, I might get extra kudos for having a black
father! Eventually, as a much older man, the penny dropped and all of games were revealed to me!! I came clean
to my mother, who of course claimed not to know what I was talking about and forgave me, if that’s what I needed.
The point being, my goal was to pretend to have two black parents. It was driven by a young 11 year old offended by
the term half-breed. A material aspect of my life and my relationship with my mother was being driven by an 11 year old girl’s
name calling, two words and 11 year old boy’s reaction! My relationship with my brother (Mr favorite child of
my mother); my children’s’ relationship with my mother and my mother’s relationship with many aspects of
my world were all collateral damage. Life is fascinating, right? Much of what I have learned about myself, my games and the game we
all play have resulted from a fundamental realization I had many years ago. That realization was that I do not, and
can never, know everything! Other people know more about things than I do. There are things that I know I know:
I know my name; that I am lawyer; that I enjoy writing and making music; that I am married, and the list goes on. There
are things I know I don’t know: I know I don’t know quantum physics; to speak Swahili; the name of every child
on the planet; to skii; to make pancakes without calling my mother for the recipe, and the list goes on. There
are also things I don’t know I don’t know. I can’t tell you what these things are because I literally
don’t know what I don’t know. I can tell you that the games I played with my mother around my racial identity
were an example of something I didn’t know I didn’t know, until I asked for help and they were revealed to me.
Once you learn the things you didn’t know you didn’t know, they stand out like a sore thumb! The initial feeling
is one of disbelief and then vey quickly elation! Because these things drive so much of the dysfunction in our lives, and
have been hidden from sight, learning what they are is extremely moving and empowering. Asking for help is never
a sign of defeat! It is an acknowledgement of our humanness. It is an acceptance of the a self evident reality
that we do not know everything and can benefit from those that know things we do not know, or who know more than us about
things we have some knowledge of. If a romantic relationship is rapidly hurtling towards an irreparable breakdown
and the person in the relationship is someone you love or think you love, then seeing a couple counselor, if it is nothing
else, is evidence of some commitment to the relationship. While being counseled, you may learn things you didn’t
know you didn’t know about yourself and that may breathe new life into a relationship you thought needed to end.
The substance of our experiences is rarely unique! There are those in the world that have a very good idea of what drives
us, frustrates us, excites and causes us to play games. They even know most of the games we play. This is because
they have worked with hundreds if not thousands of others who have asked for help and experience life very much like us.
We all pretty much experience the same things. Don’t be embarrassed to ask for help. Don’t avoid reaching
out. You may think you look cool or knowledgeable or capable of handling everything that life throws at you, but the
truth is hard to hide. We are often the last people to know the things we didn’t know we didn’t know.
Others who love and know us, know us in ways we could never know ourselves. They often suffer us our foibles because
they love us. They tolerate destructive behaviors and cycles that we do not see in ourselves. I may consider myself
a generous person, but others my experience my so-called generosity as neediness or manipulation. If you think people
don’t know who you are and how you suffer and believe that avoiding help, helps to hide these things, think again.
Asking for help, whether professional or otherwise, can usher the beginning of a new and exciting experience of life.
It can create new possibilities for every one of your relationships, including your relationship with yourself. Help can come in many shapes and sizes.
There is a form of help to suit everyone. I have worked with counselors and experienced amazing results. I have
attended courses that involve a great deal of public sharing by others, from who I have learned about myself. In those
forums, whether you participate or not, just listening to others tell stories just like yours creates space in which you can
be human and begin to learn from others. I have read many great books that seem to speak directly to me! How on
earth do these books know me so well? You can seek help through organizations established specifically to support people who
have a common persistent problem such as alcoholism, drug abuse or obesity related health problems. Some people turn
to religion and find peace and salvation in the bible or other religious scriptures. Whatever it takes, reach out. Don’t
be afraid. The worst that can happen is that things stay the same and your life takes the course it was on before you
sought help. (November 23rd, 2008)
17.
THOUGHTS ON THE ABUNDANCE OF OPPORTUNITY
I come from a musical family and have enjoyed playing music since elementary school.
Like many kids, I played the violin in a number of school orchestras. At around eleven years of age, declaring
the violin uncool, I began to play the bass guitar. My father was a full time singer/songwriter and so playing the bass
enabled me to work with him during his song writing sessions at home. Although I loved playing music and writing songs,
I chose a career in law because I did not want to live with the kind of uncertainty that my father and so many other musicians
and creative people live. My father always had a dream of becoming a mega star and pursued that dream aggressively.
Notwithstanding his efforts, his many talents and a lifetime of opportunity, like millions of other creative souls, he has
never realized his dream of mega stardom and pretty much just about got by.
After many years of writing songs and music as a hobby, in 2008, I decided to explore opportunities for using my music commercially.
To that end, in February 2009, I attended a seminar in New York on the publishing industry. The speaker, a great guy
called John McCracken, told all of us in the room that networking was key to getting one’s work published. Getting
to meet and know people in the business was crucial to getting our music in front of the right people. John said
that he was a relentless networker and after the class, during a short exchange of e-mails, he explained that in his view,
there was opportunity in every contact and you never know who of the people you meet might be the one to make all the difference.
During the class, we had a bunch of questions about how one might go about networking. A few of us felt that we didn’t
know enough people in the industry and so were a little lost for where to start. We puzzled over what one typically
does to network and how one might meet someone who could make all the difference. He told us that we should go to concerts
and meet musicians; tap into anyone we currently knew in the industry; attend seminars similar to the one we were at.
He also said that just by attending the talk, we had met him and he was someone that could make a difference.
After the talk, John gave us his business card and we all gave him access to our music on CD or through our websites.
John kindly promised to come back to us with feedback on our music. I thanked him for being so helpful and took off,
thinking a lot about my own musical aspirations and whom I might start to tap for possible leads to a publishing deal.
It was only the next day that I realized that I had been in a room with at least five other aspiring songwriters, each of
whom could be the person that could make the difference in my life. We could all listen to each other’s music
and critique it. We could share each other’s music with our friends who could give feedback. We could
give each other’s music to someone we know in the music industry or to someone we meet who knows someone in the industry.
We could collaborate on projects and learn from each other. We were all about to pick up our networking
efforts and between us create opportunity that any or all of us could possibly benefit from. The possibilities
were endless. I had left without e-mail addresses, telephone numbers, names or web addresses for any of
the participants. While we all had John’s contact information and saw the opportunity in having connected to John,
we all pretty much ignored the other amazing opportunity in the room. John, on the other hand, being a relentless networker,
had left the class with music for five aspiring songwriters and our contact information! Every
situation creates opportunity. Whether that situation is experienced as a good experience, a bad experience or a neutral
experience, like waiting in a line to buy groceries. Opportunity is always directly in front of us.
It is sometimes so close that we can’t see it immediately. Too often we recognize opportunity only when it
hits us in the face. When someone like John says “I can do something for you. I can create opportunity
for you. Come with me and let’s see what happens..”. I believe that we often miss opportunity
because for it to exist, we must create it. It requires action on our part and too often we look outside ourselves for the
things we think we need. For example, we learned that John would be speaking in New York about the publishing
industry and we all saw opportunity for ourselves in that. We bought tickets and so created the opportunity
for contact with John, an industry executive who knew stuff we wanted to know. Each one of us created
that opportunity. We shared our music with john because we saw the opportunity in doing that. Apart
from the opportunity of learning from John and sharing our music with him, in the class there were five aspiring songwriters,
some chairs, some audio equipment and lights. In order for opportunity beyond what John had to offer to
exist, we had to create it. We had to see it. We had to think it. It’s
like magic and can transform our experience of life. Believing that opportunity can arise from any situation,
good, bad or indifferent will help to shift one’s focus. It creates an enhanced awareness and a desire to look
more closely at what's out there. If we want to create a life full of opportunity, we could slow down a little and
step back for a moment. In every situation, ask ourselves – where are you opportunity? I know you’re
there; I just need to see you. The more you look, the more you see. The more you look, the better you become at creating
or finding opportunity. Opportunity exists in abundance. Later, I will speak about fear and
our ability to transform our experience of fear by creating opportunity. Anyway,
the day after the class, when I realized what we had done, I sent an e-mail to John asking whether he could e-mail each
of the participants and suggest we share our contact information. He did that and almost immediately information came
flowing in. We were all now better positioned to begin our networking in Ernest. I also offered to help John in anyway
I could as you never know, I might just be someone or know someone that will make the difference for him. Always be watchful!!
Opportunity like music is always in the air, waiting for your attention. (February 21 2009)
18.
THOUGHTS ON COOLING DOWN A MESSY DIVORCE
Not all divorces are messy. I have known some divorcing couples simply to agree to walk away and rebuild
their lives, no strings attached. My parents were two such people. My mother said goodbye
to my father, he kept the house and she bought herself a new one. She was a teacher and had a regular
income and he was a musician with sporadic income. There was no expectation on either part that the other
would be responsible for providing the other ongoing financial support. My brother and I were taken
care of by both parents and in a way that made sense for them. They remained a team as parents and are
still great friends today.
This thought is directed at those of us who experienced something a little more volatile. Those of us who
were unable to achieve such a peaceful end to our marriages. When one has been in a long-term relationship,
in my case 23 years, so much of who you know yourself to be and how the world sees you is based on your role within that relationship.
Your home is the family home. The car is the family car. Many if not most of
your friends are family friends. You have both invested in your life together and will typically have complex
emotional and financial ties to each other. When children are involved, the complexity increases significantly.
When the relationship reaches the point of no return and a decision is made to transform it into something else, it
can feel as if the world as you know it is falling apart. Fear can take over and things can become very
volatile. The person that you had loved and may still love will often appear to transform before your eyes.
They can become someone that you no longer recognize. Kinder terms typically used to describe divorcing
or former partners include self centered; selfish; angry; bitter; vengeful; demented and hurtful. The transformation
can be shocking and create enormous fear and confusion. The new relationship can be very difficult
and very emotional. Trust will often have disappeared and survival instincts take over. The
ensuing months and years can take a terrible toll on the divorcing couple, their children and their friends, parents and family.
My former wife was very angry and terrified of the unknown. I had been at the center of her life for 23
years, emotionally and financially. How would she support herself when so much of what we had was built and maintained
with my income, which was four times her income? She no longer trusted me, and probably had good reason.
Very little of what I said was greeted with anything but suspicion. Her primary objective was to make sure
that she and the children would be safe and it felt as if she would take whatever she could from me to achieve that objective,
even if that meant leaving me destitute. She also wanted to express her extreme disappointment and
upset with my behaviour and betrayal and she did, to me and to whoever would listen. There were points
in my divorce when I was convinced that the only thing that would satisfy my former wife was if I got hit by a bus and died.
You can tell I am sure that we went through some grueling times.
At around the time we were going through the initial phases of our breakdown and separation, I attended a course in search
of direction. I was fearful and in unknown territory and needed help. During the course,
I heard a man told that he needn’t throw out his marriage vows simply because he was getting divorced. There
was no reason why he could not continue to love, honor and respect his former wife until death do they part. If
the vows meant anything when they were given, then he could choose love, honor and respect over hate and disrespect.
Those words were very powerful and it was within the space of those words that I found the strength to go forward.
I resolved that whatever happened, I would love, honor and respect my former wife throughout the divorce and beyond.
In essence, I reaffirmed or recommitted to my vows. Now, if any of you have been through a messy
divorce, you will know that in the midst of the volatility - love, honor and respect are generally the last thing on your
mind. That is because in a messy divorce, interests become polarized and battle lines are drawn.
Fear drives the choices and that is always a recipe for disaster. So as well as this commitment
to love, honor and respect, there are other things one can do to help maintain one’s focus and take some of the steam
out of fear’s sails.
Be responsible. Responsibility becomes
critically important in a messy divorce. Both in terms of recognizing your responsibility for the breakdown
of the marriage and in how you conduct yourself during the divorce process. Whatever you may think, you
played a role in the breakdown of your marriage. Too often, when a marriage or any other relationship for
that matter breaks down, one of the few reasons for taking of the boxing gloves is so that fingers can be pointed.
The focus of each party is on the other. You did this and you did that and you never understood
and you never cared or showed any affection. We become polarized. We
abdicate responsibility for our actions and for the role we played in the relationship and its breakdown. For
many of us, responsibility imputes blame or culpability. We feel that if we take responsibility for
something, we are admitting that we did something bad or wrong. At least, when that responsibility relates
to something negative or problematic. We are very good at taking responsibility for the good things in
our lives. In fact, when we make the other responsible in a breakdown, we are saying that our only real
responsibility is for the stuff that happened in the marriage that did not result in the breakdown. The
good stuff. But I have good news. Being responsible does not necessarily mean that you
have done anything wrong. It is not necessarily a condemnation or negative judgment.
Being responsible merely means that you did something that had an impact. For example, if you throw
a stone into a pond, the stone creates ripples in extending waves beyond the point at which the stone hit the water.
The effect of throwing stones into the pond over time may contribute to the erosion of the walls and ultimately
to its demise. There was nothing wrong with simply throwing the stone into the pond. You are, however,
responsible for the ripples and their impact on the environment of the pond. In your marriage, you said
and did things to which your partner reacted. Some of what you said and did contributed
to the breakdown and some of what you said and did enhanced your partner’s experience of the relationship. Your
partner was responsible for their reactions to you, but it was still you that they were reacting to. Just
as the pond reacts to the stone. I’m sure that you have quite readily and regularly taken credit
for things you did and said that made your partner laugh or proud of you. Why not also take responsibility
for the things that upset them? You were more than comfortable to accept as appropriate your partner’s
positive reaction to the things you said and did. You probably rarely resisted or judged those reactions.
Why not accept the negative reactions in the same way. You don’t need to agree that what you
said and did was bad, wrong or negative. You can leave your partner to draw those conclusions and make
those judgments. All you need to do is take responsibility and accept that you chose your partner and their
many dimensions. Being empathetic can also help. You don’t need to agree with
your partner’s judgments but you can try to understand them. You can agree to disagree on matters, while accepting without
reservation that her or his perception of you is real for her or him. You can apologize for all that you
did that contributed to the breakdown. Not because you necessarily did anything wrong, but because acknowledging
that you played a role creates space for healing to occur. Whether good, bad or ugly, things you did and
said upset your partner. Resistance creates persistence. Often, in a difficult
breakdown, one party is saying to the others, please accept some responsibility for where we are. Don’t
make this all about me. Failing to recognize that request and acknowledge your role in the breakdown will
often cause the other to continue to make their plea until you respond, as they would like. The pleas will
often be clothed in angry words and hostile action, which can continue indefinitely. I have
a number of friends who have been through messy divorces and almost without exception; each party’s index finger was
and is still firmly embedded in the other’s chest. Even years after the divorces have
been finalized, enmity persists because neither party has been prepared to accept any responsibility for the breakdown.
Once you start to recognize that you played a role in the breakdown, whatever that role is, the focus on the other starts
to diminish, as does the upset. It may take time, but the upsets will diminish.
Pointing the finger makes you a victim and the other a perpetrator. Being a victim is typically a very
powerless place to be and very few balanced people enjoy being made a perpetrator. In that space, hange
can come about only when the other person apologizes for, or takes some action to acknowledge, what you believe they did to
you. If they never apologize or give you that acknowledgement, it follows that things are unlikely to change.
It means that pain, upset and anger continue to influence the course and outcome of the divorce and your life.
Don’t wait for an apology or acknowledgement to stop being a victim. Taking responsibility
helps to free you from victimhood. Yes, you can choose to take no responsibility and time will likely cover the so-called
‘scars’. This may enable you over time to speak to your partner about some things without getting
angry but even after many years, you merely need to scratch the surface and the pain and hurt resurfaces.
I used to consider myself a victim. My first wife was very jealous. We met as young
teenagers and we were both quite immature, as youth can be. She would become very upset if I looked
at other girls. She would throw tantrums that could become violent, both physically and verbally.
I would be pretty traumatized but never really put my foot down. After a while, the jealousy and
tantrums took their toll and I started to distance myself emotionally. My choice to distance myself emotionally
was the beginning of a decline that after many years resulted in the complete breakdown of our marriage.
I always saw myself as the victim and so even years after the jealous tantrums ended, I continued to feel the pain
as if the tantrums had occurred just the day before. Because I had made myself the victim, I was not prepared, ready or able
to recognize that I may have contributed to the insecurity that resulted in the tantrums. How
could I be responsible for anything when I was the victim? During
the initial months of our separation, notwithstanding my commitment to love, honor and respect my wife, I found it difficult
to express love and support while being screamed at or threatened. I began to feel like the victim again
and had to fight hard to rise above the fray. I had to fight hard to remain true to my committment to love, honor
and respect my former wife. I searched desperately for a way to stay true to the person I had
committed to being. I began to think more about who I had been during our marriage and what role I may
have played in its demise. I began to take responsibility for my role in the breakdown. I decided
to consider that I might not actually be a victim. I went back to my youth and asked myself why my former wife
would have been so insecure. The answers were all there for me to see. I was young and
ambitious. I wanted to be an attorney and made it clear that nothing would get in my way. It
was not common for kids from my school or neighborhood to go to university and become lawyers and so I was very single minded.
I would tell my teenange girldfriend that my primary focus was going to university and becoming a lawyer
and that if she didn’t like that, then we she could take a walk. She could come along for the ride,
but she should not get in the way. I had also had my fill of living at home. I
wanted to spread my wings and enjoy my own space. The idea of living away from London on a university campus
was intoxicating. I would be free to be me!! Simon Des-Etages, the university student.
And of course, I left home and went to university surrounded by cute young women who shared my ambition and desire for success.
I was focused on me and my journey. Now don’t get me wrong. There
is nothing wrong with being focused on one’s own journey. In fact, those of us with children encourage
them to focus on their own journeys. To focus on their studies and their futures and not to let things that
can wait to later, such a boyfreinds and girlfriends, get in the way. I was young and ambitious and single minded
and that is who I felt I needed to be to be successful. Notwithstanding that I do not consider that I did
anything ‘wrong’, I began to see that who I was being in those early months and years might have helped create
or feed an insecurity in my teenage girlfriend. I was responsible for who I chose to be in the early years
and so I was able to forgive my former wife for who she chose to be in response. Particularly as she was
so young and vulnerable in those early years. Healing the so-called emotional 'wounds' also freed
me to see more clearly the impact of my choices. I chose to distance myself emotionally and I never stopped.
That choice was a major factor if not the primary cause of the breakdown.
In fact, as we aged and matured, my former wife’s tantrums eased but my emotional distance did not.
I had the power to change my behavior and chose not to, while my wife had already made significant strides towards
addressing her own.
We can never predict how different people will react to us. If people do not react as we would react
we tend to judge their behavior poorly. Yet who said that our choice of behavior is the benchmark?
Your partner will be who she or he is and will react to you in the way he or she does. We should
avoid judging people for being themselves, unless we too want to be judged simply for being who we are. A
commitment to being loving towards another means accepting the other for who they are. You did and said
stuff they reacted to and they did and said stuff you reacted to and now you are both experiencing the consequences of that.
Accept responsibility and based on my own experience, before you know it, the heat in the messy divorce will start
to dissipate. Now, as you begin to appreciate
that you played a role in the breakdown, you may start to feel a little guilt or remorse. At that point, forgive yourself.
If necessary keep forgiving yourself. Don’t make yourself wrong. That makes you the loser
in the process and if you lose and your partner wins, you both lose. Making yourself wrong obscures your
vision and will distract you from your commitment. Then it will be guilt and remorse that drive your commitment.
That too is a powerless place to be. Let love of yourself and your partner drive your commitment.
Let your belief in the vows you took when you got married drive your commitment. Let your memory
of the beautiful man or woman you married and still exists today drive your commitment. Forgive your partner. Forgive them over and over.
Don’t stop forgiving them. If they scream at you in upset and anger, empathize and forgive
them. When they blame you for everything that ever went wrong in their lives, understand their pain and
fear and forgive them. When they threaten to ruin you and drag you through the courts, forgive them.
Forgiveness does not mean that you agree with them. Nor does it mean you condone their actions.
Nor does it mean that you should be irresponsible and fail to protect yourself and any children in the mix.
Forgiving your partner releases you from the angst and upset of judging them. Your forgiveness
empowers you to remain true to your commitment to treat your partner with love, support and respect. That helps
remove so much of the pain and angst in the process of the divorce. It enables you to make choices driven by
your commitment and not by any sense of vengeance or retribution. Vengeance and retribution are emotions
driven by fear and the poorest choices are made in fear.
There are clearly many other ways to manage a difficult divorce. There are thousands of books on
the subject and my words are probably far from original. My suggestions are based merely on my own experience
and I’m hoping that by sharing my experience, you will hear something that you can relate to. We
are all so very similar and so there is every reason why what works for me may work for you. You have all
the tools you need because they are inside of you. Courage, commitment, love and a capacity for forgiveness
and expressing respect for another, even when you may disagree with them. Good luck.
20. THOUGHTS ON DESTRESSING YOUR MORNING COMMUTE Do you find that your commute into the office can be very stressful? For years, I did.
I would get to work complaining to whoever would listen that I had experienced almost a full day’s worth of stress
even before stepping into my office building. I live in New York City and so travel to work on the New
York subway system. The New York subway system, though not the most attractive underground railway system
in the world, is actually quite efficient. During rush hours, trains arrive every few minutes and so one
rarely experiences long frustrating spells waiting on the platform. The trains can be crowded, but if you’re
lucky, you don’t need to travel on the train for too long, particularly if you are able to catch an express train.
Express trains speed past local subway stops, whisking you to your destination in half the time it takes on the local
subway service. I take the express train from 96th Street and Broadway. I work on 40th
Street and 5th Avenue and so my destination station is 42nd Street Time Square. The 42nd Street Time square
subway station is only the second express stop after I board the subway train at 96th Street. All in all, a pretty easy commute.
For years, however, I would create drama out of my commute. It is quite
common to hear a train pulling into the station as one descends the station stairs from the street. In
order to catch that train, I would need to scramble for my subway pass tucked away in my wallet, rush past crowds of folks
making their way down the stairs, swipe my metro card being careful to ensure that it worked on the first swipe (swipe too
fast or too slow and the turnstile will often not open), run down a second set of stairs and then ascend a third set of stairs
to the train platform, hoping all the time that ‘my’ train would be sitting in the station waiting for me.
Many a morning I would rush to catch the just arriving or recently arrived train and find myself rebuffed as the train
doors slammed shut in front of me, just as I managed to get to the platform. How incredibly
frustrating. ‘My’ train did not wait for me! All my efforts were in vain
and now I was sweaty, out of breath, irritated and depending on who I felt saw the whole sorry drama, a little embarrassed.
I would often be surrounded by similarly out of breath, sweaty and irritated commuters. Some of
my fellow frustrated would curse our loud, chastising the train, its driver and the holy lord above. This
process continued for years until one day I decided that I would try a new approach. I decided that the
only train that was ‘my’ train was the one that I could reasonably get onto without rushing, sweating, becoming
irritated or cursing. My train was the one that turned up at the perfect time, typically when I was
on the platform waiting for it. If the universe saw fit, my train might even be the train that I heard
pulling into the station as I descended the stairs from the street at 96th street. But it would only be
my train if I could catch it without rushing, sweating or becoming irritated. I realized that all is well
with the world every morning and that the universe provides me with all that I need to get to the office on time and pretty
much stress free. I had spent years defining trains that were not mine, as ‘my’ trains and
so of course would be offended when ‘my’ train behaved as if they were someone there for someone other than me.
Having made this shift, my stress level’s every morning dropped. I had
time to collect and read my free newspapers in the morning, walk to the part of the platform that worked best for me at Time
Square (the 4oth Street exit) and stroll comfortably into the office. When taking my eight year old daughter
to school in the mornings now, as I see her beginning to rush at the sound of an arriving train, I suggest she slow down and
wait for ‘her’ train. ‘Her’ train, I explain, is the one she can get onto
without rushing. If you too suffer from a stressful commute to your place of work, you may want to consider
trying something similar. Happy commuting. (March 12th 2009)
21. THOUGHTS ON DEFRAGMENTING
OUR LIVES
Our lives present us with an incredible opportunity to experience every aspect of who we are and who want to be.
Every moment presents us with a learning opportunity. An opportunity to grow spiritually and emotionally.
An opportunity to realize the incredible possibilities our lives represent. Our lives are a journey
of discovery, even if we don’t recognize or appreciate that. As babies, like sponges, we soak up
every smell, every expression, every touch, every taste and every sensation. As we grow we learn both by
design and by default. We learn much of what our parents want us to learn and a great deal what our parents would rather we
did not learn. Things that grow inside of us and create beauty and accomplishment; dysfunction, frustration
and angst. We grow into amazing, complex human beings, living fine lives.
Some of us know who we are and who we want to be and are skilled at creating a world in which we can express every aspect
of ourselves. Some of us are less lucky and have no, or limited, understanding of who we are, what we want
and who we want to be. Being aware of who we are is often called being centered. That
is, who are we is who we know ourselves to be and who we want be. In my experience, the more aware we are
of ourselves, the more aware we are of everyone and everything around us. Being centered connects us to
everything and everyone and the feeling of being truly connected is what it is to be in heaven. That
is heaven on earth. When you feel a divine and inextricable connection to everything, all fear melts away
and you become an incredibly powerful creator. Creating a life that reflects the joy and love in your life
and not your fears. When we are not fully centered, we can still experience joy but will also experience
fear. Our decisions and choices will be driven either by fear or by more positive emotions such as love
or joy. The less we know ourselves, the less control we feel over the course of our lives and the
greater fear we experience. The further away from our center we are, the less connected we feel to the people and the world
around us. When we feel completely disconnected from the world around us and completely lose sight of who
we are, then we experience hell. Hell on earth. Ironically, the feelings one has in
heaven and hell can feel similar, even though they are at completely opposite sides of an experiential spectrum.
In heaven, you feel no fear because there is nothing to fear. When you are fearless, you know you
are capable of anything and everything. There is nothing that can or will get in your way.
One feels incredibly powerful. Because when one is part of everything, one feels the power
of being one with everything. When you find yourself in hell, you feel you have lost everything.
You are completely alone and disconnected from the world. You feel a sense of hopelessness and believe
that you have nothing more to lose. When you have nothing to lose, then you are able to do as you wish
because there is no consequence that can be worse than your current experience. In that place, you feel
very powerful. In that place, however, your choices can only be driven by fear and choices made out of
fear are the least powerful choices and decisions you will ever make (see “Thoughts on Fear”). When
you are in heaven, the difference between life and death disappears. You appreciate that all there is or
can be is life. When you are in hell, your fear of dying disappears because you feel that there is no value
in life and no worse experience than the life you are living. Life offers us the
possibility of discovering heaven and hell. My purpose in this thought and in all of my thoughts is to
encourage you to find the heaven in and around you. So how does one go about finding heaven? Finding one's center. I like to
call the process one of defragmenting one’s experience of life. If you have a computer you may have
some idea of what I am about to say. Your computer has a hard drive on which it stores information. Over
time and with regular use, files and folders on your computer's hard drive break down or become fragmented. This can cause
your computer’s system to run more slowly and to experience processing problems. Defragmenting reorganizes your hard
drive by putting pieces of related data back together so that files are organized in a contiguous fashion. As a result, your
computer system can access files more efficiently and so process more efficiently. It is generally recommended
that computer users defragment their systems on a regular basis. Let us assume that at birth our experience of life is like
a hard drive, new, unscarred and complete as opposed to fragmented. As we store information, just as a
computer hard drive becomes damaged and fragmented, so does our experience of life. We adopt ways of being
that slow us down; create dysfunction and impair our ability to understand who we are. We experience fear
and that fear can grow to dominate our experience of life and drive many of our choices and decisions about life such as what
we study, where we study, what we choose as career, who we choose to date and marry. New information is
absorbed into old and unhelpful ways of thinking and before you know it, life becomes a bit of trial. Just as the computer hard drive can
function without defragmentation, so can we. Failing to defragment a hard drive can, however, shorten
the life of the hard drive and while the computer will function, its functionality can become materially impaired.
Defragmenting our experience of life is the process of shifting around our perception of things in a way that improves
our experience of life. Shifting old ways of thinking so that we can process information in a way that
obviates some of the dysfunction in our lives. If you have ever seen a computer defragment, there will
often be an image of a hard drive on the computer screen with thousand of rows of black and white dots, representing data,
files and information. As the defragmenting process proceeds, one row at a time, black dots will be transformed
into white dots as data and files are shifted, repaired and replaced. The process can take hours.
In the case of our human hard drive, the process can take a life time or more. Each act of defragmentation
will improve ones experience of life, even if for just a moment or in just one aspect of our lives. One positive shift in
perception can represent a transformation in ones experience of life. Each act of fragmentation will bring
you closer to your center. To who you know yourself to be, without the fear that obscures your vision.
In my view, each and every act of defragmentation is worth the time and effort.
I do not anticipate that this thought or any of the other thoughts will transform your life completely. I
do believe, however, that these thoughts offer you the opportunity to begin or move further along the long journey towards
your center. Happy defragmenting! (March 14 2009)
22. THOUGHTS ON KNOWING OURSELVES AS OUR CHILDREN I wrote earlier in “Thoughts
on Knowing Ourselves as our Parents” about the incredible opportunity in seeing ourselves as our parents.
The idea being that because of their profound involvement in and impact on our lives, we cannot be but a reflection of our
parents. The better we know our parents, the better we know ourselves. Those things we judge and criticize in our parents
are invariably a reflection of the things we find uncomfortable about ourselves. Those things that we love and admire
about our parents invariably reflect our own qualities, often unrecognized and unacknowledged by us. In this thought,
I consider the opportunity in another aspect of the parent, child relationship. That because of the profound impact
we have on our children, we can know ourselves better by observing them and in knowing them and ourselves better, be more
powerful parents. The things we love about them are typically a reflection of our own qualities and the things about
them that challenge us will be a reflection of those things that we find uncomfortable in ourselves. The issue, however,
is that it is not always easy to recognize ourselves in our children.
Many parents see the process of raising children as primarily a series of things that we do and say that are designed to ensure
that our children are safe, healthy, well adjusted and grow into independent, resourceful adults. We make rules for
our children to follow based on our understanding of what they need and what is best for them. In my experience, as parents,
we will often recognize our responsibility or contribution for behaviors we consider positive. For example, we will
accept responsibility for our children’s academic achievements, particularly if we believe those are the product of
the good schools that we send them to. If we encourage our children to participate in sports and they become accomplished
sports people, we may accept responsibility for those achievements and see them as a reflection of our choices and so, a reflection
of who we are and have been for our children. If we are disciplinarians and our children are polite and well mannered,
we may recognize our responsibility for turning out well behaved children. As important in our children’s development,
however, is who we are in and around them. Children are like sponges. There is very little if anything that we
do around our children, whether directed specifically at them or in some other direction that does not have an impact on them
and their development. Who we are around our children will contribute significantly to who they become, whether
or not that is our desire or intention. Our children, particularly when they are very young, do not judge our behavior.
They do not pick and choose behaviors to imitate and emulate based on their understanding of there moral standing or utility.
They simply observe and inwardly digest. They observe our every move. Our every mood. The things we say
to and about our partners. The things we say to and about our friends. The things that make us laugh or cry or angry.
They will not fully understand much of what they see, but they will observe and store. They will remember when we say
something and do something else, particularly if we do that a lot. They will recognize very quickly the relative importance
of the things we say, versus the things we do. If I tell my daughter that she will be banned from watching the television
for life if she does not do her homework, and then I fail to ban her for life for failing to do her homework, she begins to
understand that things said do not necessarily equal things done. This is power in the hands of children and they too
will learn to say one thing and do another. They will also learn that it is sometimes worthwhile disobeying their parents,
notwithstanding the threat of punishment. They will see us and know us in ways that we do not know or see ourselves.
They will learn lessons that we had no intention of teaching them. Everything about who we are, what we say, what we
do and how we do it will contribute to their understanding of the world and who they are or want to be. Our children will
experiment with the things they learn from us. Their behavior will reflect all of the information that they gather;
both delivered by design and by default. As they become older, they become a little more discerning about what they
like and don’t like about us. Their judgments of our behavior, however, are informed by their understanding of the world
and what is and isn’t important to them, which in turn is a product of who we are and have been for them.
As they become teenagers, they rebel and try to carve out a sense of self that is separate and different from their parents.
They choose ways of being that in their opinion distinguish them from their parents. Their choices, however, are inevitably
driven by whom they have become as a consequence of amongst other things, who we have been for them. They
can run, but they can’t hide. This sense of separation and the desire to distinguish themselves from their
parents can continue for a lifetime. So one significant reason that we may fail to see ourselves in our children is
that we often do not recognize the incredible impact our day to day behavior will have on them. As a consequence, we
fail to recognize behavior that is the product of the things we do and information we impart that was not specifically intended
or carefully packaged for our children. Behavior that, for example, reflects our upsets and angry or frustrated outbursts.
Our demands for attention. Our impatience or need for immediate gratification. Our cynicism or tendency to criticize
rather than praise. Our over eating or incessant dieting. Our manipulations. Our duplicitous statements and behaviors.
We often do not recognize as a reflection of our own, behavior based on a lifetime of ongoing classes in which our children
are the eager pupils and we, the unwitting teachers.
Another significant reason why
we may not be able to see ourselves in our children, particularly in the destructive or anti-social behavior of our children,
can be gleaned from the following passage from the bible: “When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like
a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became an adult, I put an end to childish ways. (I Corinthians 13: 11-13)”.
Children can’t help but think and speak and behave like children. Even when they try to behave like adults, the
most they can achieve is to imitate adulthood. When we attain adulthood, we believe that we set aside our childish ways.
As a consequence, we rarely relate childish or immature behavior to our own behavior. When our children dive to the
floor in the middle of the supermarket, screaming because they cannot get their way, we rarely think that the child’s
behavior could be a reflection of our own. After all, we don’t go to supermarkets and dive to the floor, kicking
and screaming when we want our way. But maybe we argue violently with our partners when we can’t get our way?
Maybe we storm out of the house; or slam doors; or sit down in a sulky lump, until our partner agrees to what we want.
Maybe we tell our parents off when they do things we don’t like. Maybe we scream and shout at our children when
they don’t do as we ask them. Children are not adults and reflect our behavior as only children can and often
in ways that we may not immediately recognize.
Another reason why so many of
us may not recognize ourselves in our children’s destructive or unhelpful behavior is simply that we cannot abide being
responsible for things in our lives that we don’t like. After all, our intentions are good and we
are good people and we do our best and would never wish harm on anyone (except maybe that guy who pushed past us on the bus
in the morning) and we are careful in our communications and so could not possibly be responsible for negative things in our
lives, including the destructive and anti-social behaviors of our children. It must be their ill mannered play
mates, or the school environment; their grandparents who spoil them or chemicals in the food they eat. You know what,
it must be the bad genes from the other side of the family! Human beings simply have a primal fear of being responsible
and that may contribute to our myopia. What compounds this is our tendency as parents to excuse behavior in our
own children that we would never excuse in someone else’s. We ‘love’ them so much that we explain
away their unhelpful behavior. Johnny isn’t a bully. He loves to play fight, just like most little boys.
Jane isn’t spoilt, she simply knows what she wants and we have taught her to be clear in her communications. When
Stephen took Ben’s tricycle, he thought it was his. He’s short sighted and so has a habit of taking things
that kind of look like his. We hate seeing our children as anything but angels and so explain away unhelpful behavior.
This can result in the development of chronic, unhelpful behaviors. Recognizing unhelpful childhood behavior is an essential
role for parents, and one that is often poorly executed. My sense is that many parents consider that characterizing
a child’s behavior as unhelpful is as good as a judgment, both of their children and of them. Parents typically do not
want anyone to judge their little petals and certainly do not like being judged themselves. It is this fear of
judgment that helps keep us myopic. That contributes to our common inability to recognize ourselves in our children.
If we do not recognize or, are not prepared to, understand all aspects of whom our children are, then we truly cannot know
our children and in denying the existence of aspects of our children, we fail to recognize those aspects of ourselves.
Finally, most of us really do not know ourselves very well. We think we do; yet too many of us cannot explain why our
lives don’t always reflect the things we say we like or want or why people do not relate to us in the way we think they
should. We find ourselves in destructive and unhelpful cycles that we can’t break out of. We seem to have
all the solutions but they rarely seem to work. People will tell us how wonderful we are and often we cannot accept
the compliment. We are successful academically and in our careers yet we do not feel worthy. We often cannot see
ourselves in our children because so much of the time, we don’t know what we look like to other people and so cannot
see what we look like when we turn up in our children. So, seeing ourselves in our children may require a little work.
It is, however, an unavoidable truth that our children will reflect us. This does not mean that they will not have their
own personalities. Every child will interpret the world differently and have a wonderful uniqueness about them. They
will still however reflect who we are for them.
Now, you do not need to see
yourself in your children. Life will go on as ever if you do not. You do not need to do anything differently from
the way you do things right now. Taking time to find yourself in your children will simply create opportunity
for you to experience life a little differently. If we recognize ourselves in our children, we can know ourselves better.
We can observe behaviors that tend to undermine us and create unnecessary tension in our lives. Moreover, if we are
committed to really knowing ourselves; to understanding what drives us; to recognizing behaviors that work against us or undermine
or fail to reflect who we want be, we can better understand our children and help them overcome behaviors that reflect ours
and threaten to undermine them and create unnecessary tension in their lives. For example, at 16 years of age,
having failed to perform as well as I was capable in my O levels exams, I declared to myself and repeated to friends and family
that I would never say “if only” again. I would never say, if only I had applied myself more and been more
focused I would have got better grades; or if only I had worked harder I would have got that promotion; or if only I had tried
harder, I would have won that prize. You get the idea. I made that declaration and it drove me long and hard through
my academic career, through work and in my relationships. It helped me achieve what I wanted to achieve in life but
it also created significant tensions and guilt. At what point, for example, had I done enough? I would be the
first person in the college library every morning. I would wait outside the library doors, rain or shine; until they
were opened and would feel monumental irritation if someone was able to get into the library before me. You see, if
I were not the first person in the library, maybe I was not doing all I could and so maybe if my grades were not as good I
wanted, I would have to say - if only I had made it to the library first every day I would have achieved better grades.
When I started work, I would work many more hours than most of my colleagues. If I did not work more hours, maybe I
would end up saying if only I had worked longer and harder I would have been more successful at work. When one feels
one should have done more or has not done enough, one spends a great deal of time feeling guilty. Guilty for having
failed to achieve those things that one feels bound to achieve. For failing to live up to one’s own expectations
or to the expectations that one may have helped create in others. In other words, I had created a rod to beat myself
with and while it brought a lot of success, it also undermined me, and others in my life. I know that about myself now
because I have been committed to knowing myself better. I have seen aspects of that behavior in my mother. I have
listened to my father tell me year after year, particularly with respect to my relationships, that I have done enough and
that if I am not careful, guilt would kill me. I have asked myself, why do you feel you have never done enough.
What does enough mean? I am now, therefore, aware of my behavior and am empowered to make different choices. To
adjust my behavior. I have seen this same behavior in my youngest daughter. When she was 12, she would wake up
at 5.00 am to study for tests. She would become very stressed before exams. I would massage her feet and they
would be full of tension and knots. While her drive meant that she attained very good scores in her tests, the tension
it caused at her young age was not in my opinion worth it. I have therefore made efforts to readjust her priorities.
I have not wanted to stifle her energy, but I have been able to talk to her about the importance of finding balance between
work and play. I have not added to her burden by demanding that she improve grades that might slip. I know
she will do all she can to address those by herself. I have encouraged her to relax a little more around her studies.
To pace herself. To save her greatest efforts for her final exams. As she gets older, I will continue to observe
and guide accordingly.
Also, I am not suggesting that we spend your
lives trying to behave in a way that guarantees that our children will only ever receive information that will work for them.
It is impossible to do and so trying would drive us insane. No matter what you do, your children will interpret your
behavior in their way. We cannot legislate for the way our children will view or interpret the things we do or say.
For example, my father once said to me when I was about 12 or 13 years old, that I should learn to cook and clean for myself.
That way, I could be more independent and not choose a partner merely because I needed to be looked after. A very positive
and well intentioned message for a young boy. And so I learned to cook and clean and iron and take care of a myself.
However, as an adult, I failed for years to value those tasks when performed by my partners. I would participate in
domestic activities, but did not take the lead. I could do what they could do and so I was not impressed and so expected
more. Notwithstanding their efforts to look after me and our household, because I could and did participate in doing those
things myself and did not need my partners to do them for me, I would not express gratitude and would diminish their contribution
to my life. As you can imagine, that would create tensions for me and for them. That was not what my father intended.
When my wife and daughter moved from South Africa to be with me in New York, I began to notice that in my wife’s presence,
my daughter would often put on a baby voice and behave like a baby. One day when my wife was away on a business trip
I asked my daughter why she felt the need to behave like a baby with her mother. She explained that her mother had once
told her that she would always be her baby and so to please her mother, she would behave like a baby. I explained that
even when she grew up and became an adult, she would still be her mother’s baby, as I was still my mother’s baby,
and that she did not need to speak or behave like a baby to please her mother. Clearly, it was not my wife’s intention
to encourage our daughter to behave like a baby. That, however, is how our daughter interpreted her mother’s comment.
I heard my father’s words and my daughter heard her mother’s words and we gave them our meaning, which was not
the meaning our parents gave them. We know that our children will interpret our behavior in their way and I believe
that they will start to behave in ways that reflect their interpretation of who we are for them. My view, however, is
that rather than drive ourselves batty by trying at all time to say and do the ‘right’ things for your children,
we could focus more on doing and saying the right things for us. Find more powerful ways of being. This will work
for us and for everyone else in our lives, including our children. This is what it is to be a role model. For
example, commit to be a person of integrity. That is, do what you say you are going to do, when you said you were going
to do it and in the way you said you were going to do it. Do this not just for your children but also for you and for
everyone else in your life. Integrity is clock that never loses time or a car that is cared for and always performs
to its potential. The order that integrity creates in one’s life can be transformative, both for you and for those in
your life. Commit to being responsible. Recognize that everything you do has an impact on others. Don’t
make yourself wrong or bad. Just be prepared to say, I’m sorry, that was me. Be responsible with your words.
Don’t make promises or threats that you know you won’t, can’t or are unlikely to keep. Commit to being respectful
to others, in your communications and in your recognition of their value as human beings. Commit to being non judgmental
of others. Look for opportunity wherever you can. Be a better listener. Be empathetic. Your children
will thrive in your reflection. If you didn’t know it, there are as many acceptable ways to raise a child, as
there are parents and children. Parenting skills and parenting practices can vary radically from household to household,
from country to country and from culture to culture. You have encountered thousands of people in your lifetime, all
of whom have been raised slightly and sometimes radically differently. Typically, they will all have been as balanced or imbalanced
as each other. You will rarely meet someone who, as a result of their upbringing, has issues that far exceed your own.
You will meet people who have different issues to you and you may consider that they have more baggage than you. But
no matter what you do for your children, they will end up with things in their lives that work against them. Even if
you are fully conscious and powerful in your being and do everything in your power to protect them. That is what it
is to be human. Understanding a little better who you are may empower you to deal more effectively with who your children
are or may be becoming and that in turn may help them to deal more powerfully, as adults, with personal issues that are invariably
going to find there way into their lives.
Seeing yourself in your
children requires that you know yourself. The better you know yourself the more you will see yourself in your children.
The more you see yourself in your children, the better you will know yourself. Your understanding of who you are
is part of your own, personal divine journey. It requires that you be courageous and accept and love all dimensions of who
you are. That you do not judge yourself for being you and instead embrace yourself and forgive yourself for those things
you are not comfortable with. Seeing yourself in your children requires an appreciation that who you are with, for and
around your children will contribute to the beautiful, complex human being that will grow into. Seeing yourself in your
children requires that you know your children. I’m sure we all know our children, but some parents will know their
children in a way that others will not. That requires your attention. That involves being present for your children
and listening to them in ways that you may not have listened to them before. Listening to them as if what they
have to say is important and worthy of your attention. Hearing yourself in their language and behavior. It means
accepting that they are perfect and beautiful, notwithstanding that they may exhibit behaviors that work against them and
others. Your power to change and transform behavior requires that you acknowledge its existence. Recognizing behavior
that undermines our children empowers us to guide our children towards behavior that empowers them. Knowing who your
children are will help you on your journey to knowing who you are and in turn will help open the gates of heaven, right here
on earth, for both you and your children. (March 2009)
24. THOUGHTS ON JUDGMENT AND FORGIVENESS
I.
A Traditional Understanding of Forgiveness
When we express forgiveness, most of us express it by forgiving others for the things they do or say that upset us.
This is what we commonly understand forgiveness to be. A gift that we give to another or an
expression of our generosity. We decide that notwithstanding what the other has done or said to upset us, we are prepared
to let bygones be bygones. Maybe we are prepared to understand why the other may have chosen to say or
do what they said or did and so stop criticizing them for it. Forgiveness of this kind can be given
even in the most extreme circumstances.
For example, two young boys break into someone’s home at night, find a gun that the owner keeps locked in a box
in his basement and when disturbed by the owner, shoot him dead. The boys come from severely deprived neighborhoods,
from broken homes with parents who themselves are or have been criminals and/or died in the commission of crime.
They are poorly educated and grew up in a culture that made crime a legitimate means of survival. A
society in which respect and status was earned through criminal and destructive behavior. We can choose
to forgive them for their evil deeds and for being heartless killers. We need not agree with the boys
or condone their actions to forgive them. We simply need to see opportunity in granting them the grace
of our forgiveness. We may even choose to take the opportunity help redeem them and so help bring them back from the
dark side.
Forgiveness in this traditional sense can create space for healing and support the development of greater tolerance, acceptance
and understanding. This kind of forgiveness can help to release the forgiver from the angst and stress
of his or her judgments. Angst and stress that can ruin one’s experience of life; create angst and
stress for others in one’s life; and even create physical disease, thus perpetuating the tragedy.
II. Forgiveness
versus Judgment
Regretfully, for
forgiveness of this kind to exist or find meaning, a judgment must exist, both before and after the act of forgiveness.
The two boys committed a wrong and were bad. They killed an innocent man. When we forgive them for
their crime, we are saying that notwithstanding that they were bad, we will no longer criticize them but rather try to understand
why they became criminals and possibly help them understand why what they did was wrong and tragic, both for them and for
the victim and the victim’s family and friends. So, to forgive them, we must first judge them and
then continue to judge them, but with a new focus on understanding, tolerance and acceptance. If
there were no judgment, there would be nothing to accept or tolerate. Nor would there be anything to forgive.
Absent the judgment, our forgiveness of the other would have no purpose or meaning. While forgiveness
in the traditional sense can be extremely powerful, in my experience, the more powerful way of being is not to judge at all.
When we forgive others, we merely express a willingness to tolerate, accept or understand those things about them that
reflect our own judgments. Our judgments say much more about us than they do about the people we judge.
III.
Forgiveness as a Powerful Secondary Option
When
we find ourselves judging another, the most powerful thing we can do is to recognize what we are doing and make another choice.
That could mean, for example, recognizing in the moment that in the vast majority of cases, the things we judge others
for are things that we quite happily do ourselves, over and over again, without even noticing. For example,
we curse a man on the subway for stepping in front of us and so for having no manners or common courtesy, having just stepped
in front of someone else ourselves. One day, commit to observing yourself in action. You’ll be shocked
at how often you judge others for being just like you. Making another choice can transform a potentially
stressful episode into a humorous one. I have often laughed at my tendency to point the finger at someone
for doing something, just before I do the exact same thing.
The practice of forgiving others is for those who find themselves unable or unwilling to choose a non-judgmental
way of being. In the world we live in, that represents most of us, most of the time. It
is very difficult not to judge others for the things they do or say. We live in a world of wrongs and rights.
Such a world promotes and feeds our judgments. As I discuss in my “Thoughts on Wrong and
Right”, wrong and right can provide a helpful framework for human behavior that creates some level of order, but
wrong and right can leave very little room for difference and diversity. Wrong and right become absolutes
and polarize us and promote the fear of being wrong and the arrogance of being right. From our earliest
moments we are praised for doing the ‘right’ things and chastised for being ‘wrong’. Often
the chastisement is not ill willed or mean spirited. Chastisement is meant to help us learn the difference
between right and wrong. To encourage behavior that results in the right outcomes as opposed to the wrong
outcomes. Because wrong and right are so ingrained in who we are as human beings, it
is often hard to imagine a world where judgment is not considered inevitable and necessary. I do
not believe that judgment is either inevitable or necessary. Existing outside of a wrong and right paradigm,
however, requires regular practice and a belief that there is a more powerful way of being than being judgmental. You do
not have to begin my letting everyone off of the hook. To practice, you merely have to start refusing to
give in to the judgment reflex. Choosing to resist the call of the reflex, even if only once a month or only in
a particular area of your life will help to build the muscle needed to become more non judgmental than not.
In my opinion, a more powerful question than “Should I forgive the other?” is “Does my judgment
of the other serve me?” The answer to that question will depend on our understanding or appreciation
of the impact of our judgments on us and on others.
IV.
Forgoing our Judgments For many, choosing not to judge the two boys that I discuss earlier in this though
would be heresy. In the view of many if not most people, the boys have committed a wrong and need
to be punished. If they are not punished, they or others who are of a similar mind may see this as a sign
of weakness and be encouraged to commit the same or similar crimes. Our decision to punish is to
a large extent driven by a fear that failing to punish will promote and inevitably lead to greater disorder.
As I have repeated in many thoughts, the least powerful choices are often those driven by fear. So,
what if we choose not to judge the two boys? Will our fears be realized? Instead of judging
the boys, we could decide to protect them and others from the possibility that they may again make the same or similar
choices. We do not know whether or not they will make similar choices in the future, but we need not take
that chance, for their sake and for the sake of others. They are responsible for their actions and have
placed themselves at the mercy of others. They have lost the right to choose freedom. This is the impact
on them of their choices. We may decide that to protect others from them, they should experience a period
of enforced separation from society. Let’s call this a period of incarceration. Not
as a punishment for the ‘wrong’ they have committed but as a practical step in protecting them and others from
destructive choices that they evidently have a propensity for making. We do not need to judge or punish them to prevent them
from committing similar crimes. Rather than judge them, we can choose to help them and by helping them,
help ourselves. We may choose to understand why they attach such little value to their lives and the lives
of others and by understanding them, learn what we can do to transform their view of life and its value and similar views
of others like them. Rather than promote disorder, we begin to empower ourselves to idenify solutions
that can obviate disorder through understanding, as opposed to fear. If we were to treat
these two boys as our own and recognize our divine connection to everything and everyone, including these boys,
we may even start to recognize the role we played in helping to create a society in which two young boys would place
such a low value on human life. Without agreeing with or condoning their choices, and without making
ourselves wrong, we may be prepared to recognize our contribution to their tragedy. We may even see room
to apologize for our role in helping to create their tragedy. Not because we are wrong or bad but because
things we do or don’t do create the world we share with them.
You see, judgments are easy and very convenient. They let’s us off the hook for our contribution
to the dysfunction in the world. Judging another says, you are wrong and I am right.
There is nothing for me to do because I am right and you are wrong. Forgiving you is my right because
I am right and you are wrong. Because I am right, notwithstanding that my family, my friends and I suffer
by your actions, there is no need for me to do a thing to help you. It is I and I alone that need help.
Such a space leaves very little need or room for creativity. When each of us takes responsibility
for the world we create and recognizes our impact on everything around us, we can start to take ownership of solutions, just
as we would if our roof began to leak because we did not maintain it well enough or our car breaks down because we do not
service it.
Poverty is not their problem. It is our problem. If it were not our problem,
why do we attend the funerals of so many who are the victims of poverty and the impoverished and complain when those who do
not have take from those that have? Poor education is not their problem. It is our problem.
Crime is not their problem. It is our problem. If it were not our problem, why
do we keep guns in our homes to protect ourselves against criminals and risk being killed by our own weapons?
Our rush to judge creates a ‘them’ and an ‘us’; the good and the bad; the righteous and the
fallen. Our continued judgment promises more of the same. So that notwithstanding any
promise in those two boys and any efforts made to re-educate them, if given another chance to re-enter society, they could
so easily be drawn back into the destructive cycle that sent them to prison in the first place. Isn’t
that our problem?
Rather than focus only on punishing or even on just re-educating those two boys, we could more powerfully consider
taking ownership of the problems that created those two boys and choose to turn the tide. Consider those
two boys and all boys and girls our own. The opportunities, possibilities and creativity that flow from
a way of being that is free of judgment do not flow so easily or as naturally from a place of judgment, and judgment always
comes before forgiveness. Judgments tend to polarize us and narrow our focus. Often
obscuring our vision and undermining our ability to identify the root causes of so many of the behaviors that we judge.
Yes we can continue to accept the disempowering nature of judgment and forgive when we consider it appropriate; but
why not choose a more powerful place from which to make our choices.
V.
Judgment as wasted time, fantasy and childhood upset. On
a more personal level, when I was a child, my father never came on family vacations. My mother would take
my brother and me away with her to the countryside or abroad and although my father would often promise to join us, he never
did. Well into my thirties, I would criticize my father for failing to behave in a way that I believed
good fathers should behave. That criticism would be expressed in myriad ways. I would
find myself avoiding him. Over reacting to things he would say; particularly if what I heard was that I
should respect or defer to him and his requests or wishes simply because he was my father. In my view,
he had not earned that right. A good father would have joined his family on vacation. A
good father would not have promised to join his family and then broken his promises. As you can imagine, my judgments
hurt both my father and me. There was very little space in that judgment for my father to be anything
but a poor father. When, for example, he did things that I believed a good father would do, in my view,
he would be trying to compensate for being a bad father. While I might try to forgive him for being a poor
father, it was hard for me to forget that he was and had been in my judgment a poor father. In the space
of that judgment, there was also very little room for me to experience anything but a poor father. That
was my loss. I learned to stop judging my father for these things only when I was forced to evaluate who
I had been and who I wanted to be for my own children.
This happened when I separated from my former wife and she and my children left New
York to live in England. I realized very quickly that I could no longer measure my value as a father by reference to
the things I did with them. I no longer had the luxury of living with them every day. When
one lives with one’s children every day, it can be very easy to take them for granted. It is easy
to convince ourselves that simply being in their presence, whether or not we pay them attention or engage them in meaningful
interaction, is enough; allowing them to talk to us without really listening to them is enough; buying them toys to play with
but not playing with them is enough; buying books for them to read but not reading to them is enough. And
to be frank, doing those things is far better than being completely absent? Being a warm body in the house
will work on a number of different levels. One will, however, miss out significantly on the incredible
opportunity of being a present parent for one’s children. There is no other feeling like being
connected to others, and to connect in a meaningful way with our children can feel like trip to heaven, both for us and for
our children.
I love my children very much and when they left for England, I realized that I had to a large extent been disengaged from them. You know how it is?
We have work issues; financial issues; arrangements to make with our friends; and relationship problems to deal with.
We get tired and stressed after a hard day’s work and so it can be hard to be engaged with everything in our
lives. Our children are often the victims of our busy lives and thoughts and will often be forced to take
a back seat. If I wanted to maintain or even build a meaningful relationship with my children after they
left for England, I would have to find
another way of being. First of all, our primary means of communication would be the telephone. I
could not come home at the end of the day and fool myself into thinking that I was being a good parent because there was a
telephone in the room and the possibility of a conversation with my children. In order to be with my children,
I would have to pick up the receiver, call them and engage them in conversation. I could no longer simply
rely on them being around. It is also hard to make conversation when we are not paying attention to what
the other is saying. I would have to start listening and being more present and engaged in my children’s
lives. I would have to remember what they were studying; what tests they were taking; what sports they
played and when they played them. I would need to remember the names of their best friends and so on. Because
I was not living with them anymore, I could not assume that they knew I was there for them when they needed me.
I would have to express that in my communications with them. It was not long before I began to appreciate
the importance of being present for my children and realize that five minutes of presence was worth weeks of merely living
in the same home, or simply doing things, with them.
My father was and always has been available for me to talk to. He has always talked to me and been
present for me. He has always let me know that I could talk to him about anything without fear of judgment.
He may not have joined me on vacations but never did I feel that he did not understand me or care for me deeply.
As I began to appreciate who my father had been for me, I started to notice all of the other things that he did with
me. Things that to a large extent had been hidden behind my judgment of him and by my focus on his so-called
‘failures’ as a father. We would, for example, play music together. I would
play my bass guitar on his recordings and write songs with him. Sometimes he would record songs that I
would write. He would tell me that I was a great bass player and could play exactly what he imagined.
He told me I could sing like Stevie Wonder.
While he may not have taken me on vacations with him, he would take me to the recording studio with him and for drives
to see friends or to the store. He would invite me into the kitchen when he cooked. He
is great cook and so I learned to cook while being entertained by his jokes and funny dances. We
would play scrabble together. In my teens, we would run in the park and exercise together.
When I let go of my stories about family vacations, all of a sudden I was able to see much more of whom my father was
and appreciate what a wonderful father he was and had been. Rather than forgive him for being a poor father,
I recognized that my judgment was misplaced and chose another way of being. I chose to be appreciative
of my father. If he was a poor father, it was because I had condemned him and failed to see or appreciate
all his many dimensions as a father. Whether I agreed with all that he did and felt that he could have
done things differently sometimes did not change that. So I stopped judging him for not joining me on vacations
but instead thanked him for being present for me. For knowing me well enough to guide me in ways that only
a present father could. In that space, there was nothing left for me to forgive other than to forgive myself
for having so poorly judged him.
VI.
Transforming the Judge and Forgiver
The forgiveness of others does have its place and can be very powerful. It can create time for healing
to occur. It can make room for discourse where before none may have been possible. It
can help promote greater tolerance and understanding of those things we are unable or unwilling accept, and greater acceptance
of those things we do not understand. It is important to recognize, however, that our forgiveness of another
may or may not have an impact on the other. This means that notwithstanding our forgiveness of others,
the world outside may remain unchanged. We are at our most powerful when we are able to transform the world
from the inside out. We are at our least powerful or potent when transformation depends on our ability
to cause others to choose transformation. We can try to lead by example or become skilled at persuading people to do what
we feel is best for them but we have no power to change anyone. Our only power is to transform our perceptions
of others. Our judgments and our forgiveness of someone have everything to do with us and nothing to do
with them. If you express your forgiveness for another, the other may continue to suffer under your judgment; they may never
have suffered under your judgment; or they may at some point have suffered but since forgiven themselves. Your
forgiveness may not be greeted with gratitude or relief. It may not be acknowledged, understood or accepted.
Forgiving another may not, therefore, bring you or the other relief.
Forgiving oneself is the most powerful form of forgiveness. Choosing not to judge another or judging
another and forgiving yourself for having judged them, relieves you from the burden of your judgments. In
my example, it helped me to lift a cloud that I had lived under for many years. It freed me to further
accept my father for who he was and is. It reduced my frustrations with my father and the stress that those
frustrations caused. It allowed me to express love for my father in a way that I may not have been able
or willing to before. I did not require any change, acceptance, gratitude or understanding on my father’s
part. The moment I appreciated that there was never anything to forgive, the years of frustration and my
memories of those years transformed as if they had never existed.
I have never again felt angst about my father and vacations. The thought that I had judged him for
these things is incredible to me now. My father did not come on vacation with me, and so what!
I had a great time anyway and he did so much more. He had his reasons for not coming.
Who am I to decide whether those reasons were good or bad? How would that serve me?
He was a great father, not a bad father. Rather than forgive him for being a poor father, I could
praise him for being as good a father as he could be.
Choosing not to judge others creates a much clearer space than judging them and forgiving later. A
judgment can last for years before forgiveness is forthcoming, if it ever is. A judgment can eat away at
the person that has judged and at a relationship that person has with another or the world for years before forgiveness is
forthcoming or offers any relief. First choose acceptance and if that is not possible, only then choose
forgiveness. And whenever you forgive another, always forgive yourself next.
VII.
Transforming the Judged and the Forgiven
When we judge others, it can prevent them from fully expressing who they are or who they want to be in their relationship
with us. Our listening of them may be such they that they stop talking to us or speak to us only
about those things they have learned will not upset us. Such conversations are of limited value to both
participants. They may avoid us all together, frustrated; irritated or disappointed by our judgments.
When we set our judgments aside or forgive, this can open a space for those we have judged to re-enter our lives and
express themselves fully. There are few feelings like the freedom to be oneself with another.
When we leave little space for people to be other than whom we have judged them to be, they may feel that notwithstanding
who they are or choose to be, they will still be judged and so they may choose to be who we have made them in our judgments.
A judgment reflects our fears and our fears are creative. That is, we create the things we
fear and so can so create the kind of people we fear. To drop our judgments of another or to forgive can
free another to be who they want to be and transform our relationship with them.
VIII.
Transforming the Past
Withdrawing our judgments and forgiving ourselves for the judgments we may have made can transform our experience of
a relationship even with those who died many years earlier. That is because we need nothing from the other
to stop judging the other and when we stop judging another, the other will often transform before us; that transformation
being both complete and timeless. We will often experience them and our memories of them as if there had
been no judgment. We begin to see them for who they really were and not as we had imagined them. The experience
can feel miraculous. The past transforms and our memories of the departed feel rich with expressions of
love, devoid of the feelings that may have diminished or dominated our experience of the relationship while they were alive.
You see, most people in our lives will continue to love us and give of themselves despite our judgments of them.
Notwithstanding how loving or generous people may have been to us, however, we may not have allowed ourselves
to experience or acknowledge that love or generosity in the moment. We will typically have looked for evidence
to justify our judgments, latching onto anything that might prove us right, while ignoring any evidence that may counter our
view. If our judgments of another cause us to withdraw our love and to become emotionally distant, then
we will not feel the love that the other expresses and experience only emotional distance. A person can love us
to death but they cannot make us feel or acknowledge their love. That is a matter of choice.
When we open our hearts to love by setting aside our judgments, we experience the love that was always present and
all expressions of love by the people from whom we had withdrawn can be experienced in the moment and in our memories
of them, free of judgment. I experienced this beautiful phenomenon with my dear departed grandmother. My grandmother
on my mother’s side was a lovely, tough Yugoslav woman. She grew up in a small provincial town in
Serbia called Kursumlija where she raised
three children, the youngest of whom was my mother. After the Second World War, my grandfather, who had
been imprisoned for much of the war in a prison camp, left Yugoslavia and moved to England. After a few years of separation, my grandmother joined him. She then
divorced my grandfather and sent for my mother, who completed her high school education in England. My grandmother thrived on order, keeping a
well run home and carefully managing her limited finances. She managed to buy a nice home where she boarded students from
Oxford University and the local polytechnic. I remember that not a thing in her
home was out of place. She was an expert at matching furniture, fittings and wallpaper. She
would even paint the kettle, toaster and the wall plugs in her kitchen so that they matched the paint and wallpaper.
She had incredible green fingers. Her garden was awash with beautiful colors. She
would constantly tend her garden, green-housing those plants that needed time away from the wind and rain; reintroducing them
to the garden only when she knew they would thrive. She kept her cactus plants together in one corner
of her garden; her flowers grew lush on either side of her garden and she would grow strawberries and raspberries in
the middle of her garden in perfectly organized runs. Her house plants looked like prehistoric plants,
with enormous thick green leaves and brightly colored fruits, growing larger than I had seen anywhere else; other than maybe
in the tropical botanical green house at Kew
Gardens, in London.
My grandmother also took great pride in they way she presented herself. She made many of her own cloths,
ensuring that her blouses; jackets and skirts; shoes and accessories matched perfectly. She was very clear
about what she liked and did not like and had no fear of expressing herself. Even with her broken English,
we would be in no doubt about what she meant when she spoke.
Neither my mother nor grandmother had seen a black person before arriving in England. My mother has told me that she found black people beautiful. My mother
was not burdened by years of conditioning around racial issues. The racial tensions that existed for centuries
between blacks and white in the United States,
England and other countries did not exist
in Kursumlija. There may have been ethnic or religious divides, but they were not in any way based on color
or race. When
she was 18 years old, my mother met and began dating my father, a good-looking young black man from Trinidad. He was serving out his national service in
barracks just outside Bicester in Oxfordshire and was an aspiring singer and songwriter. My grandmother did not approve of
her daughter’s choice of boyfriend and after making her annoyance known, one too many times, my mother left home.
My parents married, after the birth of my brother Gary, when my mother was just 19.
My grandmother’s complaints continued and my father would tell me that because my grandmother did not like black
people, she was angry with her daughter because she had chosen my father and was intent on ruining their marriage.
My grandmother did not attend their wedding and that for my father was incontrovertible proof that she was a racist. Although
my grandmother had never treated my brother Gary or me with anything but love and discipline, I adopted my father’s
frustrations and used them to judge my grandmother for being a racist. I became angry and resentful. My
communications with my grandmother became strained. I would avoid her and when I did see her, it would
be difficult, as I felt compelled to challenge her ideas and argue with her about her interference in my mother’s life.
Although our relationship improved somewhat over time, I would always be looking for evidence of her racism. The
fact that she always expressed love for my brother and me was irrelevant to me. The fact that she loved
my children and doted on them was irrelevant. The fact that she often expressed pride at my achievements
was irrelevant. The fact that she would always have a drawer full of candies for me and my children, well
into my thirties, was irrelevant. She would cook my favorite deserts and cakes. She
would knit me scarves and sweaters to order. She would cook my favorite Yugoslav dishes and harvest her
gardens strawberries and raspberries for my children. Notwithstanding all of her expression of love, I
judged her.
I once spoke to her about her views on race and she explained that she felt that people from different cultures would
struggle in a relationship and so should not be in relationship. She felt there was a natural order.
Now that I look back on that conversation, her concerns really had nothing to do with one race or one people being
superior to another. Her fear was that cultural differences made relationships complicated and so culturally
mixed relationship, whether between whites, blacks or anyone else, should be avoided. Just as she felt
that plugs, kettles and wallpaper should match. At the time of that conversation, with my judgments in
full swing, I took this as confirmation that she was a racist.
Many years after she died, after much soul searching and years of self discovery, I had an epiphany. I
realized in a moment that she had loved me. She had always expressed love for my family and me.
Her concerns with my father had nothing to do with me and likely had nothing to do with race. They
related to cultural differences and her need for order. They may also have reflected general concerns over
my father’s choice of career. Like many parents, my grandmother wanted only the best for her daughter
and she may have feared that a musician could not offer her daughter the kind of lifestyle she felt she deserved.
More importantly, even if she did believe one race was superior to another; such a notion would have been the product
of her life experience and a fundamental lack of understanding; and who amongst us knows everything and is not constantly
becoming aware of new things that transform our view of the world. Judging another for things they do not
understand is fruitless. My judgments fell away and as if by magic my relationship with my grandmother
transformed.
My mother has hung pictures of my grandmother on her walls for years. I had never paid much attention
to them and really only ever saw an old woman in them. After my epiphany, I visited my mother and probably
for the first time saw my grandmother’s (as opposed to simply an old lady’s) image hanging on my mother’s
walls. She looked so very different to me. I saw my grandmother with my children, and not simply a picture
of my children with an old woman. I saw the joy in her face while holding my girls. I
saw her pride and her energy. I saw for the first time a grandmother who I missed, loved and appreciated.
And incredibly I felt no regrets for what I may have missed because in the moment and in my memories, I felt all of
the love and generosity that had always been there. For a few weeks afterwards, I would dream about her.
I even felt her presence in my mother’s home. Today I have only the fondest memories of my
grandmother, as if we had never had any issues.
Forgiving another can also transform or improve one’s relationship with someone who has departed.
Forgiveness, however, implies that the other was at fault or had done something wrong or bad and so in my opinion,
forgiving the departed is not as powerful an epitaph.
So if you can withhold your judgments of others, you can save yourself and others a lot of time and suffering.
The more you accept others for who they are and recognize the impact you have on creating the world and the people
around you, the less likely you are to judge others. Recognizing that there is very little if anything
for which we judge others that we have not repeatedly done ourselves can also help us to be less judgmental. Recognizing
the often devastating impact that our judgments can have on others and on us can also help us to be less judgmental.
There is an old saying that when we point a finger at another, there are always three fingers pointing straight back
at us. This is a physical manifestation of the power that our judgments have to undermine us and of the
inevitability that our judgments have everything to do with us and nothing to with those we judge. Try
pointing your fingers now and you’ll see.
If you must judge another, then practice forgiveness as often as you can. The more practiced you
become at forgiving, the more likely it is that you will eventually begin to appreciate that there was never anything to forgive.
Judgment followed by forgiveness does not necessarily stop us from being compassionate or being
creative in finding ways to obviate those things that create dysfunction in our lives and the world around us. Compassion,
a sense of personal responsibility; a willingness or drive to identify creative solutions to the dysfunction in our lives,
however, flow much more freely and naturally from a place of non-judgment. Whenever you release yourself
from your judgments or forgive another, forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself is the most powerful form
of forgiveness. (March 29th 2009)
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2. THOUGHTS ON DIFFICULT
CONVERSATIONS
Have you ever found yourself spending days if not weeks preparing
for what you believe will be a difficult conversation? Organizing your thoughts, developing perfect answers to imagined, awkward
questions, dreaming up devilish come backs to the inevitable insults and judgments, working so hard on your game plan that
you some times end up talking out loud to an imaginary adversary in public? Have you then found that in the middle of the
actual conversation, you become so totally immersed, frustrated, angst ridden and tongue tied that anyone would believe that
you were taken completely by surprise! The possible explanations are endless. A few examples, however,
would include (1) you are afraid, hence the need to assemble a battalion of ideas and words before going into war.
Fear will undermine you every time; (2) although you think you’re a master of reading minds or the future, you
probably aren’t. People with whom we have difficult conversations have a strange habit of saying
stuff we never bloody thought of!; (3) we usually develop our arguments from our own perspective, imagining
what they would say, if we were them. The problem is we are not them, our perspective is likely to be very
different from theirs and how they process information may be totally different from us.
A few tips for the crazy folks who talk to themselves a little
too much: Never enter any conversation believing you have all the answers – you don’t!
Never enter any conversation believing that you are right – that automatically makes the other wrong, and who
reacts well to being made wrong? While having a view on a particular matter, be prepared to listen carefully to the other’s
views. Listen to their views in the moment. Don’t try to force their words into what you expected
to hear or what you think you've heard them say before! You might just agree with them now.
If you really don’t agree, you can agree to disagree. That will generally leave everyone’s
egos intact! Lastly, and possibly most importantlly, appreciate that it is more likely than not that a
conversation you believe is going to be difficult will be. That’s because you really haven’t
made much room for anything else, particularly if you’ve been preparing for the conversation for days or weeks.
Related to this, our tendency is to want to use some of the great material we worked on, whether not it make sense
anymore! I have experienced being told “I love you” in the middle of a so called ‘difficult’ conversation
and replying “You may think you love me, but let me tell you why you don’t.....[Unleash some of my best material,
now completely irrelevant and out of context – but hey, I got to say it and boy, didn’t it sound good!!!!]?
Hmmmm – back to the speed dating table for me! Get my drift.
(Aug 2007)
5.
THOUGHTS ON WRONG AND RIGHT
I don't enjoy living within a paradigm of wrong and right.
My view is that wrong and right polarize people. As soon as I call you wrong, your focus shifts.
The subject of our discussion becomes secondary to your desire to prove yourself right, or prove me wrong.
Upset and defensiveness take over. Dialogue in that space is never very powerful and so opportunities
for consensus and agreement are diminished. I'm not saying that wrong and right have no
utility. They can provide useful a framework for human behavior that creates some level certainty and order.
The problem is that wrong and right leave very little room for difference and diversity. They promote fear. A fear of being wrong. They promote arrogance. The arrogance associated with being
right. They become absolutes, notwithstanding their tendency to shift with perspective.
I prefer utility. What works best. My view is that wrong and right has separated us from our intuition and
connection to the universe and its invioble laws. I don't have to be told that hatred, manipulation, jealousy
and abuse are wrong. I simply need to observe the dysfunction they create. I prefer living within a paradigm that acknowledges that
I don't know everything. That every perspective is valid, whether or not I agree with it.
I would rather agree to disagree
than make you wrong. Create a safe place for you to express a different perspective. I don't
enjoy being made wrong nor do I enjoy being right all of the time. Imagine a world in which everyone agreed with you! What
opportunity would one have to grow and learn? My advice: always believe that there are infinite solutions to every problem and that your solution is
just one of many. Accept that you don't know everything and that you have something to learn from
everyone. Agree to disagree. Be open to discovering the perfect solution outside of yourself, in the words and
ideas of others. Above all, try to avoid making yourself or others wrong and don't spend too much time applauding
yourself for being right.
6. THOUGHTS ON TRUST, VULNERABILITY AND HEAVEN I’m sure you have wondered why romantic relationships can be so emotionally
volatile. One minute you’re in seventh heaven, bathing in goat’s milk, surrounded
by lute playing angels and eating succulent grapes from the vine. The next, you’re burning in hell’s
fires, confused and bloody irritated. I believe that the most powerful romantic relationships are typically the
most volatile.
Romantic relationships invite one to be vulnerable
in ways that very few if any other relationships do. We share our deepest thoughts and fears with
another. We allow another to see us naked and to touch us physically and emotionally in the most intimate
of ways. We trust another with the person we generally care about the most, ourselves. Trust is merely
a willingness to be vulnerable. The more open and trusting we are in a romantic relationship, the greater
the opportunity to experience the highest expressions of love. Moments that one could freeze in time and
live in, content, forever. The opposite of love is fear. Fear is a like a condom in
a relationship. It dulls the sensation of love, but creates a safer environment. But,
is it really safe? Sadly, fear is at the root of every failed romance. This is
the enigma of romantic relationships. The very same openness and vulnerability that creates the highs creates
a space in which one can experience the lowest of emotional lows. Suffering beyond any other.
The fear that creates mistrust and reduces vulnerability inevitably diminishes the powerful experience
of love in, and undermines, romantic relationships. By the way, I do believe in safe sex!
I believe that there is a clear correlation between the extent
to which one has opened oneself to another and the volatility in a relationship. The less vulnerable, the
less volatility and vice versa. Vulnerability opens the doors to heaven and hell. To the experience of
profound love and crippling fear. Fear of loss, fear betrayal, fear of disappointment, fear of a broken
heart, fear of looking stupid. My sense is that heaven is found in pure vulnerability. The more vulnerable,
the closer to heaven one gets. Once one has glimpsed heaven, one is inextricably drawn back to it. The
competing polarities of love and fear are drawn into battle in every powerful romantic relationship. As
a consequence, the road to heaven is invariably a rocky one.
The secret to reducing volatility in a romantic relationship, therefore, is to establish a new relationship with fear!
To be fearless or at the very least, be courageous in the face of your fears. In the meanwhile,
if the price of a fare to heaven is an upset or argument, embrace the experience and look beyond it to the heaven that awaits
you. Alternatively, don’t. You’ll be fine, even if your
experience of love and life may be a little less colorful. I’ll talk a little about fear in another
thought. Take care now and, by the way, it’s all good!
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8. THOUGHTS ON ANGELS
I have been feeling very blessed recently. I have thought a lot
about the many people whose lives I have been privileged to share: my parents, my siblings, my children, the many beautiful
families that I am a part of, my lovers and friends. Without exception, everyone that has come into my life
has been an angel. I don't mean that in some schmaltzy, metaphorical sense. I mean quite literally
that each person who is, or has been, a part of my life is a heavenly creature whose purpose in my life is and was to
help me be my best. They have come in peace, in pain, with passion and love; they have come with lies and truth;
they have misled and led me; praised and insulted me; hugged and kicked me. They have sometimes challenged me beyond
my wits end and delivered gifts so profound that it will take me lifetimes to fully appreciate them. They have done whatever
they felt necessary to help me find my way. The angels in my life are rarely acknowledged or thanked
for their gifts. I have rarely seen their wings or appreciated who they were in the moment. Many have
been mistreated by me. Scorned and hurt. Manipulated and taken for granted. Judged and insulted. I
want to take this opportunity thank and acknowledge all of the angels in my life, past and present. You know who
you are and if you don't, it's you. I love you. (November 2007)
9. THOUGHTS ON MOVING MOMENTS
My wife and step daughter will be moving
to New York in January and so I have spent the last 6 weeks looking for a new, larger apartment for us to live in. I
signed a lease for a new apartment yesterday and will move in during December. I have started clearing out my old stuff
in anticipation of the move. It's amazing how much one accumulates over a lifetime. Old clothes; pictures
and paintings; shoes and coats; old toys once gleefully played with and then discarded or outgrown by little ones; clothes
of former romantic partners; old cameras; sports items that remain benched in the back of cupboards for far too long; unopened
and unplayed playing cards; coins from multiple countries; chalk and pastels. I have been overwhelmed with memories
and on occassion moved to tears. As items appear from closets and under-beds, I remember times gone by, the many givings
and receivings, people and places, conversations and laughter, tears and tantrums, the hellos and goodbyes. I have been
feeling enormous gratitude for the life I have and the life I have lived. For the beautiful people that have come and
stayed and come and gone. I don't believe that one should become attached to the material things in one's life.
I clearly have, otherwise I would not have accumulated so much. My former wife, Georgina, would regularly give our things
to charities. I complained when my threadbare, but oh so comfortable, sweaters would disappear into the neatly tied
white collection bags. I now appreciate that she was merely giving our old things a new lease of life. Turning
our throw aways into someone else's treasure. What a generous thing to do. Maybe obvious to some, but clearly
not this pack rat. I have allowed things to be the custodians of my memories. But they can never be
that. My memories travel with me, whether or not the materials in my life do. I have attach objects to people
and places and so have not wanted to throw things away for fear that in some way, the people and places to whom they have
been attached would follow . It makes no sense, but it is what it is. I'm not going to do that anymore.
By the time I move into the new apartment, I will have thrown out and given away possibly 25 years of accumulated stuff.
I will not have given away a single beautiful memory, a single loved one or a single moment of my life. If there is one positive
thing that I can say about my past pack rattishness, the clearing out of things has awakened old memories, reminded me of
how lucky I am , and generated a wonderfully large and diverse donation for my local salvation army depot, just before the
festive season! Love. (November 18th 2007)
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12. THOUGHTS ON BEING PRESENT FOR ONE'S ABSENT CHILDREN
As you know from
my previous thoughts, I live in New York and my two beautiful daughters live in London with their mother. When
they left New York almost six years ago, I decided to remain in New York where I had good job and career and I
committed to myself that I would see them no less than every eight to nine weeks. That way, they would never grow
so much that I would not immediately recognize them when we travelled to see each other. The choice of eight to
nine weeks was arbitrary. It seemed to me reasonable at the time, baring in mind my concerns. I
can't say that when I made my commitment, I spent a lot of time time (if any) thinking about whether it was
realistic and capable of being satisfied over the long term. I was thinking more about the rate at which my little girls
would grow and that I did not want to miss out too much on my experience of them, nor have them miss out too much on their
experience of me, their father. If I had thought a little more. If I had factored in my job; financial
constraints and myriad other commitments, I may have been more conservative and seen less of my lovely girls.
I thank the stars that I was driven not by what may have appeared reasonable but by my heart and instincts as a father. As
it happens, almost six years later, I have not failed to live up to my commitment. That doesn't
mean, however, that living up to my commitment was always easy. In fact, at times it was extremely challenging
and painful. The transatlantic travel was rarely if ever a problem. I earned just about enough to meet
my every day financial obligations and keep my head just above water and literally in the clouds, travelling on
a 747 from JFK to Heathrow and back again. My employers were always extremely understanding (thank you!).
While in London, I stay with my mother, so have never had any hotel or similar expenses. So it was not
the practical implementation of my commitment that I found difficult. It was the emotional challenges that I was not
prepared for. You see, I committed to being a present father for my children, but my children did not commit to
being present children for their father. Children love their parents because they do, not because of some expressed
commitment to loving them. Young children generally spend time with their parents because they have to, not necessarily
because they choose to, want to or commit to doing so. Children will be children. Young children go
to school; get homework; make friends; go on school trips; watch their favourite TV shows; get tired and go to sleep.
As they get older, they make more friends; become more independent; get more homework, spend hours on computers and telephones and
become less and less available, even to parents who live with them full time. I told myself that my
commitment was for them, but when I would arrive in London and they were too busy to meet me from the airport, or immediately
come and see me once I arrived at my mother's home, I would get upset. Sometimes, very upset. They
would be too tired or have homework to do or have arranged sleep overs. What about all of my efforts? What about
me!? Poor me! If I make all of this effort; fly all the way from New York; reorganize my life for them,
then why should I have to wait for a day or two after arriving from New York to see them? The answer was plain, if my
purpose really was to be present for my children. It took a particularly difficult event, however, for me to see
the answer, which was hidden behind my own self interest. On one occassion, I had arranged with my former wife
for the girls to meet me at my mother's home on the day of my arrival from New York. I was so excited to see them!
When I arrived at my mother's home, the girls were not there. I called my former wife to find out where
they were and I was told that she, her new boyfriend and the girls were enjoying a video night and that I would have
to wait until the next day before seeing them. I was livid, but could do nothing to change the arrangements.
I went off to complain to my mother and then called my father. They were both upset, particularly my father
who felt he too would find my situation very difficult to cope with. Because they were both upset, I felt
justified in my own upset and became more and more angry. I eventually called my girlfriend in New York and complained
to her. Instead of accepting my upset, she asked me whether Iwould prefer it if my girls were stuck in a home with
a mother they didn't love or with a new guy around who they disliked or who disliked or was indifferent towards them.
Someone they hated to be around. Wouldn't I prefer that they were happy, whatever they were doing, and comfortable
in their home? She had presented me with a fresh perspective on the same facts. One that took me out
of the equasion and put my children and their interests first. Of course I wanted then to be happy.
I would hate the idea of them being around someone they did not like or who did not like or was indifferent towards them. They
were happy, enjoying a nice video night at home. Happy at home, with their mother and her new boyfriend. I
started to feel much better. In fact, I felt relieved and happy that they were happy and in a home environment
they felt comfortable in. I had travelled from New York for them. My time was
theirs. Their times was also theirs and I would not have it any other way. It was my choice to remain
in New York, not theirs. I was responsible for my choices. When they were ready, they came to see me, and
they have always done that. In the meanwhile, while they enjoyed their evening, I would enjoy some one-on-one
time with my mother. Maybe go and see a friend or two. My lovely girls were living their lives. Enjoying
the experience of childhood and they had a father who loved them and was able and prepared to share himself with them.
They also had a mother who loved them and was responsible for their day to day lives, and she too had a life.
I would have to fit myself into their lives or fight myself into an emotional frenzy. I was now much clearer about
exactly what being a present father meant. It did not mean forcing my children to want to be with me or making them
feel guilty about living their lives away from me. It meant being there for them when they needed me, whether or not
we shared the same physical space. It meant listening to them and not forcing them to speak to me. It was giving
them the freedom to develop a relationship with their father that worked for them while creating an environment in which
I could be comfortable with their choices and they with theirs. It was about giving of myself and in so doing,
receiving much more than any demand for, or expectation of, appreciation could ever produce. Living
away from one's children can be very difficult. For many, it can be so emotionally painful that completely
severing all ties with them can seem the only way to cope. My experience has been that placing my children
first; forgetting about what I think should or should not be and instead dealing with what is and always looking for that
silver lining has helped me not just cope with separation but enjoy the incredible opportunities that living away
from my children has presented me. When was the last time you spent a day on the coast with your 17 year old, lying
on a beach, staring up at the blue sky and planning your lives and what to eat for dinner? (May 31st 2008)
THOUGHTS
ON GENEROSITY
Generosity
comes in all shapes and sizes. One can be generous by giving gifts to another like a new book, or
a pair of snug, warm slippers. One can be generous by paying for a meal for a friend’s birthday
or paying for a vacation or spa treatment for a loved one that needs a break or a little tactile TLC. One
can be generous by making time for others, like teaching at a Sunday school or volunteering to participate in a community
project. One can even be generous in one’s listening, by giving someone time to unload their problems
or share their thoughts and ideas. As my father once said, listening to another can be an act of
mercy and so a profound act of generosity. There is no end to the ways in which we can be generous and we human beings on
the whole are a very generous bunch.
I would like to spend a little time talking about giving as a hidden form of barter or as a manipulation or means of controlling
another. Such giving can look just like an act of generosity but it has nothing to do with generosity.
I call that kind of giving, inauthentic generosity. In my experience, such giving is very common and often hidden from
the giver. That is, a giver can be trying to buy something from and/or manipulate or control the receiver
by giving and not realize it; at least not in any overt conscious way. Inauthentic giving can have a profoundly
negative impact both on the giver and the receiver. For example, you give a gift in hopes that the gift
will buy you the receiver’s gratitude or appreciation. The receiver however tells you they
don’t like the gift and asks whether they can exchange it for something else. You get upset because
their reaction is not in your view one of gratitude or appreciation and that’s what you were buying.
You have an argument over their tendency not to appreciate you and your efforts. They get upset
and tell you to take the gift back. You don’t talk to each for the next few days, during which you’re
a smarting from the rejection, the lack of appreciation and gratitude. You're also mad because you had to pay
for that damned gift. The erstwhile receiver spends a few days confused and irritated by your reaction.
They feel set up and unnecessarily chastised. You may both recover from the event, but the more
that happens the more difficult it becomes to recover.
Such interactions can result in the complete breakdown of a relationship. I discuss more examples
later. So, in my view, being able to distinguish one form of giving from the other can help improve and
sometimes even save relationships. It can improve communications and create greater spiritual wellbeing
for the giver and the receiver. Identifying inauthentic generosity will also invariably create a whole
new opportunity for genuine expressions of generosity.
So, very often, when we think we are being generous, we
are being quite the opposite. Our acts or expressions of generosity are often something else dressed up
as generosity. In my experience, something disguised, as generosity will rarely be experienced as generosity
by the giver or the receiver. This is the case, notwithstanding that, to the naked eye; the giving looks
and smells just like an expression of generosity. One may be able to fool the receiver in the short term
but given time, the truth will out. The receiver will often experience confusion or feel manipulated or
controlled. The giver will often feel unappreciated, diminished and unfulfilled. While
we human beings have the capacity for great generosity and will often give generously, we are survivors and we have learned
that sometimes to get what we want, we must manipulate because what we want for ourselves is not something that we believe
the other would give if we simply asked. I’ll give you an example from my own life. I
lived for many years in a relationship that on some levels worked for me and on others, did not. On some
levels I was happy in the relationship and on other levels, I was profoundly unhappy. My unhappiness was
my own doing but of course, I didn’t know that at the time. We rarely do. So over time, I withdrew
aspects of myself from the relationship. I withdrew emotionally and ultimately I withdrew my physical intimacy. This
had a profound effect on my partner and on me, but we soldiered on for years anyway. I can tell you that
at the time, so much of my thinking was confused! I did not consider myself a bad person and felt enormous
guilt around my withdrawal. I felt that notwithstanding the issues that had upset me, my partner was much
more invested in our relationship than I was, and that my withdrawal wasn’t fair on her. I felt we
should somehow be equally committed to our relationship, but simply did not know how to be. She was and
is a lovely person and I was not raised to mistreat the people I love. I had also invested significant
time and energy in building a home and a family and while unhappy with aspects of my marriage, was not ready to give up many
years of building. I also had two beautiful daughters and the thought of leaving them was too painful.
So to compensate for my withdrawal; keep my partner in place and maintain the sorry status quo, I continued to give
things. I gave presents all the time. Nice watches and bags, flowers and vacations.
I took us on weekend trips to Europe; cooked and entertained and did the things I found easiest to do.
“Doing” things and not “being” things. My being had taken a back seat and
I had hollowed myself. Many onlookers considered me a very generous guy. The perfect
partner in fact. But behind closed doors I was exacting a painful penalty for an unhappiness I felt my
partner had caused. I had withdrawn much of myself from the relationship. I was punishing
her by withdrawing my intimacy. Somewhere deep down inside, I knew that my giving was not an expression
of generosity. But as is so often the case, we don’t allow that knowing to take root in our conscious minds.
We bury the thought deep down inside and out of view, at least from ourselves. My giving was designed
to make me feel less guilt. My giving was designed to placate my partner; to stop her from complaining
and asking me to give more of myself. My giving was manipulative. My giving was hush money. Now, if I had
expressed these thoughts to my partner then. If I had said, hey darling, take this necklace and watch and
now shut up, stay put and accept the void of emotion I have created of us, what do you think she would have said?
Now at the time, I didn’t fully appreciate the extent or nature of my manipulations. We spend
so much of our lives in a confused haze, convinced that we live in complete clarity. At the time, I blamed
my partner for most of the ills in our relationship, so I felt some justification for my withdrawal and made myself both the
victim and ‘a really generous guy’! And for some reason, I could never give enough. No matter
how much I gave, the damned problems between us persisted, as did the guilt. I continued to feel unhappy.
My partner continued to feel unfulfilled, frustrated, diminished and confused. Confusion is a common experience
in the space of inauthentic generosity. Why, if I had such profound unease with our relationship,
was I continuing to give so much? Why, if I was not happy with her and our relationship, did I do so much.
Surely my giving showed how much I loved my partner. Surely, a man wouldn’t ‘give’
so much, if he didn’t love his partner. And of course, when one partner desperately wants the relationship
to work, they will ignore all of the obvious signs that the relationship is heading down a one-way street to break-up or divorce.
I made it easier to ignore those signs. Giving things and doing things rarely if ever compensates for being.
So, in any event, the relationship ended, painfully, for both of us.
Now the story is important, because in one-way or another, my sense is that we have all done similar things. It
may have been to a partner, parent, friend or colleague, brother or sister, cousin, aunt or uncle. It may
have been to all of the above or someone else that we controlled or manipulated with our inauthentic generosity.
It doesn’t make us bad, evil or wicked. It is simply what it is to be human. The
negative impact on others and us of our inauthentic generosity can, however, be profound. In the example
above, it allowed me to drive a wedge so deep into the relationship that it never recovered. Rather
than confronting the fundamental issues between us, I created a space in which they could persist and become even more entrenched.
And of course, when the issue of my lack of emotional commitment would come up; when an opportunity to address our
issues arose, I’d feel royally irritated because in my own mind, I was doing so much to avoid the discussion.
I would say, if I didn’t want to be in the relationship or was not happy with the relationship, why on earth was
I being so generous? More importantly, in my mind at the time, I was the victim and I was also being
generous and so, why couldn’t she just shut up and be happy with the giving and doing. Recognizing
the signs of inauthentic generosity can therefore save you and those in your life a lot of pain and suffering.
It may have been that had we spoken more honestly and openly about our issues, we would either of fixed them or agreed
much earlier in the process to separate as friends.
I entered a new relationship with someone who knew me
the moment I started ‘giving’!! She had me pegged from the very start. Unlike
my former partner, she called me on my games immediately. This person lived in another country; could not
find a job and needed me to pay her rent and bills. I did and soon she was dependant on me for my money.
While she needed my money, she would be easy to control. She would likely think twice before leaving
me. She would think me so wonderful and generous that I would be safe in the relationship for as long as
I wanted, or at least, until my money run out! She would tell me that the things I did for her I did for
myself! That I was not being generous but manipulative and controlling with my giving. She
took my money and my gifts but left me under no illusion about what she thought about my giving. I vehemently
resisted the criticism at first. Such name calling typically does not land well with someone who believes
he has spent a lifetime being profoundly generous. But the more I heard her and discussed her comments
with friends and family, the more I realized that she might have had a point. I was using giving to control.
It made me powerful. She needed my stuff and it put me in the drivers seat. There
was something about the relationship that she needed or wanted and so was prepared to take my gifts. She was not, however,
prepared to allow me to continue to live in my haze. And so I spent almost four years in that relationship
pondering the meaning of, and my relationship with, generosity. After much soul searching, I concluded
that generosity meant giving something for nothing. Giving with no expectation of return. Giving
that is some kind of bartering exercise; where I give to receive something; is rarely if ever an act of generosity.
Even if all I want is a little appreciation or a thank you. In a generous giving, I want nothing
for myself. I started to observe my sneaky little ways and began to adjust my behavior. The
experience of true generosity is so much more beautiful than the feeling one gets when one is faking it! Generosity
begins and ends in the giving.
You may not be lucky enough to find an angel to call you
on your nonsense! Someone who sees in you something you have not seen in yourself and who is generous and
brave enough to tell you, and in way in which you can understand. So I’m here to play my part in your awareness.
Not of course, that I am calling myself an angel. So, here are a few signs that your own giving
may not be out of generosity but designed to manipulate, control or receive some other return. If you give
to someone and raise it later as evidence of just how generous you are, the likelihood is that the gift was not given generously.
A gift given generously is never used to prove how wonderful you are. A generous giving is
complete in the giving and has no other purpose or use. You can of course give a gift and attach overt
conditions e.g. I’ll give you this money if you agree to be more focused in school. That’s
fine because the terms are clear and overt. You are buying something and you are being clear about what
you’re buying. The receiver then has a choice to agree to the terms, renegotiate or reject them outright.
Just as conditional love is not considered true love by many; a gift given with overt conditions is probably not a
true expression of generosity. If there is a generosity in the above example, it is the gift of encouragement,
which may not have been given with conditions. If you feel irritation when someone to whom you offered
a gift accepts it, it is unlikely that the offer was an expression of generosity. It is probably more a
test, which the giver believes the receiver failed by accepting the gift. For example, I do so much for
everyone and all I want is for someone to do something for me and if you turn down this gift of money I’ll feel attended
to. If you accept the gift of money; then here I go being used again. If you give
something and feel disappointment; irritation; anger or some other negative feeling when the person refuses it or asks to
exchange it for something else, the gift was not given out of generosity. You may have been striking
a deal. I buy you the gift and then you appreciate me and thank me and express gratitude at how wonderful
I have been and how well I know you and what you like and how perceptive and observant I am etc etc etc. If
you always insist on paying or giving and rarely accept the generosity of others, there is a pretty good chance that much
of your giving is not going to be an expression of genuine generosity. People who are generous with others will typically
allow others to be generous with them. Allowing others to be generous is itself an act of generosity and
recognizing that bodes well for one’s own understanding of what constitutes a genuine act of generosity.
If you do not allow others to express their generosity, then you will probably do well to deepen your understanding
of what generosity means and to look closely at your own giving. You might find something you didn’t
expect to find. Maybe a little sneakiness! If a person to whom you give a lot tells
you that they feel manipulated or controlled by your giving, it is very likely that some if not all of your giving is not
an expression of generosity. If you feel you have never given enough, then your giving is unlikely to be genuinely generous.
Instead, you are likely to be giving out of some sense of obligation or need. If
you give so much that it puts you or someone else at risk, your giving is unlikely to be an expression of generosity.
For example, I kept paying rent and bills notwithstanding that it was depleting my bank account and savings putting
myself and others that depended on me at financial risk. So giving irresponsibly is a sure sign that your
giving is not an act of generosity. In fact, if you feel anything but joy in giving, look out!
It is unlikely that
we can completely dispense with our drive to manipulate and control or barter through giving. My sense
is that it is part of our tool kit for survival. You could say that it is part of our human DNA. In my
experience, my own commitment to being generous all of the time often out flanks my ability to be generous all of the time.
I am now, however, prepared to recognize that I can use giving in a manipulative or controlling way and so I am more
likely to see the signs and make new choices. The objective is always to start by becoming better observers
of ourselves and so try whenever possible to nip our naughty behavior in the bud and do something different. For
example, if your acts of ‘generosity’ are challenged, don’t immediately jump into a defensive mode.
Ask more questions and be open to the answers. If you feel a person does not appreciate you, have
a discussion with them about that and don’t try to buy their appreciation. Rather resolve in
your own mind to stop buying gifts or slow down in your gift buying for them until you understand more about why you do what
you do. If you always insist on paying for things - Stop. For example, allow your friends
to buy you dinner. It’s ok, it won’t kill you. To some of you, this may
sound easy. But to a person driven by a need to pay for things, not paying creates a real sense of risk
and vulnerability. For such a person to allow another to pay for his or her dinner is a real triumph over
the past and creates real opportunity for generosity to flourish in that person's life. If you give a gift and feel irritation
it is accepted, don’t express that irritation. Bite your tongue and go ponder the possible reasons
for your irritation. Confront those issues and stop being manipulative. Both you and
the manipulated can only benefit. You might say that being able to distinguish between authentic and inauthentic generosity
creates the opportunity to know yourself better. I have found that my giving is now much more balanced.
I give much more of my being now than I used to. I listen more; I am more present; I am more likely
to confront a developing issue in a relationship. I can be more honest. I am more likely
to ask for help than avoid a difficult issue by using giving as a distraction. I am far from perfect and
I will still see myself giving for reasons that will likely work against me. I am, however, on the road
to recovery. I invite you to join me. (February 20, 2009)
19. THOUGHTS ON KNOWING OURSELVES AS
OUR PARENTS
Have you noticed just how much like our parents we become, as we get older? It is quite astonishing. I
find myself thinking like my parents; seeing my father when I look in the mirror; hearing my father’s voice in the tone
of my own voice; even walking and gesticulating like him. I have always been very aware of the physical
similarities between my father and me. That may be because as a youngster, I actively emulated my father.
I thought he was very cool. He was a songwriter, a singer and played the piano and percussion.
He was a good-looking man and was very athletic, having been an amateur body builder in his late teens and twenties.
He was also different and quirky. He would mimic the accents of others when speaking with them.
He would, for example, put on a fake French accent when speaking with a person from France, or when speaking with most
other continental Europeans for that matter. Although he was born in Trinidad and did not visit the United
States until he was in his 60s, during my school years, most of my school friends thought he was American because he would
spend much of his time speaking with an American accent. I remember as a child desperately wanting to have
an American accent. Like my father, I love to compose music and sing and song write. I
was an athlete during my school years, competeting for my school and for South London in the javelin and shot put.
I have always been an ardent user of gymnasiums, often going seven days a week. I am also pretty
good with accents, and although I was born and bread in London England, very few people I meet (even those I meet from England)
guess that I am English. Interestingly, this confusion about my origins, based on my accent, did no start
after I left England. Many who I would meet when I lived in the UK would guess that I was from the Caribbean,
because of my accent. In New York, I will often have to put on a fake South London accent to convince people
that I am from England. My wife is South African. Strangely, many people who meet
me now (even without meeting my wife or knowing where she is from) ask me if I am South African! So it
appears I have even adopted my father’s penchant for accent mimicry.
As I have become more self aware, I have also began to see just how much like my mother
I am. She is a graduate and has been a teacher for more than 30 years. I don’t
teach in a school or college, but I am a graduate and I do write in a way that is designed to help others by sharing what
I have learned about life. She is and always has spent her money freely on the people and things she loves,
notwithstanding that her family has sometimes suggested that she takes on too much financial burden and so could be more responsible
with her spending and borrowing. Notwithstanding our fears, she is and has always been financially independent and lives a
fine life in her retirement. I have always spent money on the things and people I love, some would
say irresponsibly and in the mistaken belief that I had an inexhaustible source of wealth. I am now 44
years old, in good credit, and have not missed out on anything important in my life for fear of not having enough money. I
do believe that my spending has verged on the irresponsible at times, but I have managed to survive unscathed.
My mother loves her children with a passion and would do anything for us. She is a kind soul, generous
to a fault and full of warmth and quiet wisdom. Like all human beings, my parents have ways of being
that probably work against them. These ways of being are not bad or wrongs, just behaviors that if
addressed, might positively transform their experience of life. For example, in my view, my mother has
a fear of upsetting people. She always tries to do the ‘right’ thing, notwithstanding
that she may feel compromised or irritated afterwards. Her intentions are always honorable, but I am not
sure that her motivations are always clear to her. I believe my my mother has a fear of conflict and
disagreement and so goes to extraordinary length to avoid them. This can sometimes create an environment in which things
that need to be addressed are not addressed and so escalate into much bigger problems. This fear of conflict
has had a material impact on her and others in her life. In my view, my father, notwithstanding his brilliance,
has significant self-worth issues and so must prove himself worthy and ‘right’ over and over again.
This can and has created significant tension for him and for others in his life. I too see these
tendencies in me. In fact, I believe they have to a large extent been the source of much of the dysfunction
in my life. They have also, however, been at the root of my growing spiritual and emotional awareness and
development. I do not judge my parents for who they are and have been. I merely
observe and so believe that much of my most powerful and least powerful behaviors have their roots in my relationship with
my parents.
If we are lucky, we spend all or most of our formative
years with our parents. We begin to absorb them into ourselves even before we are born.
While we are complete and perfect at birth, we are our parent’s divine creation. They feed
us, educate us, love us and both in spoken and unspoken communication, deliver billions of particles of information that inform
our development and our view of the world and who we are. We emulate them and mimic them, putting their
size ten boots on our size two feet; trying on their make-up and cloths; watching them laugh, talk and be. We
follow their favorite sports and sports teams as children and in most cases, believe for most of our childhood that there
is no one else on earth that is more intelligent, more funny, more athletic, more beautiful, stronger or more important or
more capable than our parents. We are also raised by our parents pursuant to a set of rules that reflect their
moral values, their understand of what works and doesn't work, their own upbringing and cultural norms. It
is little wonder that we become so much like them.
What I find incredible is that so many of us fail to recognize the significant similarities between our parents and
us. As teenagers we argued with our parents about myriad things. Often about the same kind of things.
Too often, we disagree with our parents about the same things well into their elder years and beyond. We
complain that they are too controlling, or too critical or unaccepting of who we are or who we choose to relate to. We
complain that they are too soft or too hard or too rigid in their views. We generally believe that
our upsets with them are driven primarily by the differences between us. But is that really the case?
I’m not sure. Interestingly, our myopia often extends both to aspects of our parents that
we perceive as positive and good and those aspects of our parents that we are uncomfortable with. It is
almost as if in order to define ourselves as different and unique, we separate our understanding of who we are from our perception
of who our parents are. In my case, the separation began in my teens. My sense
is that this is often the time at which we choose separation over what we believe to be mundane conformity. Imagine,
if you would, a world in which teenagers all admitted to being just like their parents! My sense is that
this separation is a normal and natural part of growing up. For various reasons, however, that perception
or illusion of separation that was so important in our development as young adults can and often does become chronic.
Notwithstanding the efforts of so many, we live in a
world that too often fails to recognize our connection and divine dependence and impact on each other. Too
often we see ourselves as separate from everything and everyone. We often become islands unto ourselves,
believing that our connection to other human beings and to the environment around us is a matter of choice as opposed
to an inevitable and unavoidable consequence of existing. We value independence, individuality and self-reliance not as components
of community but as separate and apart from community. I have spoken to so many people who tell me that
they got to where they are through their own hard work and commitment. They may if pushed acknowledge their
parents role in supporting them but rarely do they or we acknowledge the millions of others, both past and present, that helped
us on our way and without whom, no amount of personal hard work and commitment, would have resulted in the achievements that
we so proudly talk about. We often fail to acknowledge our friends and family; our schools and their teachers;
our colleges and their facilities and everyone that supported those institutions. We fail to acknowledge
the farmers that grew the crops that nourished us. The builders that built the homes and schools that provided a safe environment
for us to develop and grow in. Those that fought for rights that we now take for granted and that may have
been critical in our journey. The list of those that we rely on to achieve our goals extends around the
world, to every corner of the world and to people who existed well before we were born. Yet it is so very
easy to forget and to see ourselves as separate. Little wonder, therefore, that we fail to see the inevitable
and divine similarities between our parents and ourselves, even as we grow older. It is not a prevalent
expectation of the current world order that we recognize our connectedness and so we are not necessarily drawn towards that
realization. My sense is that our focus on separateness is, however, slowly changing. President
Barak Obama, for example, speaks the language of community and responsibility. At the time of writing this thought,
he appears to recognize the divine connection between all men and women and between all human beings and the world's
environments. He appears committed to raising our awareness of our connection to each other and the environment
and to the inextricable impact we have on each other and the environment, simply by being alive. He is
one of a grow throng of people around that world that are trumpet this age old, yet little acknowledged, understanding.
In my view, those things about our parents that we do not like, offer
us an incredible opportunity for personal growth. The things that we would change in our parents are in
my view almost always a reflection of the things about ourselves that we are not comfortable with. If we
are prepared to recognize this as a possibility, then by transforming these aspects of ourselves, we transform our relationship
with our parents. I know someone who has not spoken to her mother for many years, claiming that her mother is too judgmental,
a poor communicator and holds grudges. I probably don’t need to explain the irony in that! Were she
to be less judgmental of her mother, more forgiving and committed to better communication, her relationship with her mother
would stand a significant chance of transforming, and in that transformation, enhance her experience of life.
As a younger man, I would have many an argument with my father, frustrated that he would not yield to my view of the
world. I would consider him stubborn and unyielding; illogical and misguided. I
would become upset because I felt he always had to be right. I felt he was not willing or able to learn
anything new. In the middle of an argument, he would sometimes laugh at me, saying that one day when I
grew older I would understand more and appreciate what he was saying. That would enrage me, as I would
feel patronized and condescended. In my view, the only thing he had not done in those moments was pat me
on my head and send me off to bed. Of course, every thought I had about him was in that moment a
reflection of me. I was making him wrong and judging him and demanding that he accept my view of things. I
was not willing to accept that he too had a valid perspective. In that space, I was unable to learn anything
new. I was right and he was wrong and his lack of willing to accept that was infuriating.
It was only many years later when reflecting on those many conversations that I began to understand who I was being.
I began to accept that there are infinite answers to most questions and that my perspective was just one of infinite
perspectives. I did not need my father to agree with me. I did not need to convince
him that I was right. I did not need agree with him. I could simply
express an opinion and accept that we differed. I had nothing to prove. Today
I will still find myself debating my father on life and world issues. I am now, however, more likely to
agree or to agree to disagree and move on. I will politely end a conversation if I feel it is becoming
unnecessary contentious or if I feel my self becoming angry. My father will still, however, beat a point
to death, unhappy with an agreement to disagree, and often after I have withdrawn from a debate, enlists others who may be
more prepared than me to agree with him. That’s why I love my father! If you want to understand more
about yourself, pay more attention to how and when you judge your parents. Take time to consider whether in judging your parents,
you may be doing the very thing you are complaining about or judging them for.
Equally, it is almost always the things that we love about our parents, that we love about ourselves, but rarely acknowledge
as our own qualities. If you want to know what a wonderful person you are, think about
the things you love about your parents. If you accept this idea as a possibility, you free yourself to be more generous, respectful
and loving to you and, by divine extension, to others and to the world around you.
I love my parents and consider myself lucky to be their son. There is very little about who they are that
does not present me with an incredible opportunity to learn more about myself. Because of who our parents
typically are for us. Because of their profound involvement in and impact on our lives. We
cannot help but reflect them. Even if we choose to be different from our parents because we fear being
like them, we inevitably create being just like them. Be grateful to your parents for everything they are
and have been for you; thank them for having created you in their image and so for empowering you to know yourself better
through them. (March 2009)
23. THOUGHTS ON THE UNIVERSE AND THE CLARITY OF REQUESTS
You have probably heard many times that if you ask the universe for something, the universe will give it to you.
Innumerable scholars have discussed and propounded this idea for centuries. It is the promise of
most theological scriptures. I know that my life reflects all of my many requests to the universe.
We all receive what we ask for and many of us thank the universe for its generosity. Many of us
do not think we receive what that we ask for and write the universe off as cruel or selfish. It is my belief
and experience that those that do not believe that they receive what they ask for simply do not know how to ask for what they
want; or do not know what they want; or do not realize what they are asking for.
I have a friend who is extremely bright. I would say verging
on the genius. He is also a very spiritual person, believing in the depth of his soul that the universe’s only desire
is to fulfill his every request. Many years ago, after shaking of a long and tiring flu, he declared to
me and to others that we worked with that he would never get sick again because he had asked the universe to keep him healthy.
He was a pretty convincing character and so while some questioned his sanity, I believed that he would achieve his
goal of endless health. Within a week of his declaration he acquired a terrible cold, coughing and spluttering
all over the place. I asked him what had gone wrong and he said that he would continue to ask for good
health and he would be healthy. He said that he creates his world and that the universe would deliver what
he asked. The universe, however, seemed intent on keeping him unwell because no sooner did he shake a cold,
he found himself nursing another one. My friend would never admit to
being frustrated with the universe and continued to assert that if he kept asking for good health, the universe would deliver
good health. What I found interesting was that he believed that
notwithstanding that he was seriously overweight, under-exercised and over worked; the universe would deliver good health.
I would ask him why he didn’t lose weight, exercise and reduce his working hours. He said
that he did not need to because he created his world and had asked the universe to deliver good health. He
is still overweight, under exercised and overworked today and he still has endless colds. He will continue
to experience ill health until he starts becoming clear with the universe.
We cannot say one thing to the universe and do another and expect
the universe to deliver only on what we say. We cannot, for example, consider ourselves unlovable and expect to find someone
to love us simply by writing a request for the perfect lover on a piece of paper for the universe to see. I
have many friends who write lists based on advice from books and videos that promise that if one clearly expresses an intention,
such as an intention to be rich, that one will attract what one needs and wants into one’s life. This
is known by some as the ‘law of attraction’. At one point, I decided to experiment with writing down my intentions. I decided I wanted
to win the lottery! I wanted much more money that I could ever need. I wrote my request
on a piece of paper thanking the universe for making me rich beyond my wildest dreams and I began to play the lottery.
As I sat waiting for weeks for the universe to respond, I could not help but think that I was already wealthy in myriad
ways and did not need or want to win the lottery. I had a great job, plenty of money (although not more
than I could ever spend), beautiful girls, wonderful parents, wonderful friends, great creative powers and so I did not need
more money that I could ever spend. My writing did not reflect my thinking. No surprise
that did not win the lottery and, as I write this thought, I do not have more money than I could ever spend.
One of the most difficult skills to master when asking the universe for something is being clear in once request.
What many of us do not realize is that our lives represent our requests and more importantly, that we are part of the
universe into which we communicate our requests. Our ability to create the world we live in and our life
experience is a direct product of the fact that we are part of the universe and not separate from it. The
universe is all there is and we are a part of all there is. Everything we say; everything we do, everything
we think and everything we are is one with the universe. Our requests are delivered into the universe through all expressions
of our being. The universe will deliver on every single request we make. It will act
through us and through others to ensure that we get what we ask for. If we want
good health, then we must behave as if we want good health. Over eating, drinking to excess, taking drugs, working too hard,
being irresponsible with our health will not bring us unending good health, no matter how many times we write that requests
on a piece of paper or pray for it. Equally, if we do not smoke, do not drink alcohol, eat healthily, manage
our work life balance but exercise because we fear that by not exercising we will become ill, we are likely to create illness
in our lives, notwithstanding our exercise regime and our other healthy practices. We may, for example,
over exercise or exercise in irresponsible ways. We will be toned and muscular with healthy skin and hair and one day after
a long workout in the gym, on our 45th birthday (I’m currently 44 years old and so I’m making 45 young)
we will collapse from a heart attack or aneurism or something similar and die! People will say, what happened?
He or she worked out all the time and was so healthy. Those who know better will know that the universe
had merely delivered on an unspoken request. Death and ill health is never cruel to the universe.
The universe does not judge death as we do because it understands death merely as transformation. When
the universe delivers ill health, it is simply acting on a request. Asking the universe for death is like
asking for a bowl of cornflakes. Be careful what you ask for. Ask and ye shall receive,
whatever you ask for!
Armed with this knowledge, we may decide to align the things we do, with the things we say or think because the more
consistent our various channels of communication with the universe the more powerful the requests and the more likely it is
we will realize more of what we ask for. Kind of logical isn’t it. The good news
is that with practice, we can become skilled at aligning those things we desire with our actions, our words and our way of
being. The more challenging news, for those who would rather not have to work too hard, is that what we
sometimes think we desire is not what we desire at all. Much of the thoughts in this site address
that tricky issue. Behaviors
and desires will often reflect our fears. For example, I chose a career in law and finance because I was
afraid that I would not be able to make a living as a musician, because my father just about got by as a musician.
Am I an attorney in finance because that is what I wanted or because I was afraid of the other option?
Some would look at me and say I am lucky because I got what I wanted. The universe delivered on
my request. And I am lucky because I have a great job. Is it, however, the job that
fulfills my greater purpose. The job that I would have chosen had I set aside all of my fears?
When I ask for promotions, I am asking for more of the same career. Will the universe deliver on
my request if deep down inside me I am yearning for something else? My feeling is that things are likely
to be a little hit and miss, and that is certainly what I have experienced.
Things are, however, turning around a little for me in my work.
I am now focused more on managing, coaching and developing others. I am becoming more involved
in diversity issues at work and chair national and global communication working groups, both created because I identified
opportunity to enhance communications within my company. These aspects of my work are closer to the creative
side of who I want to be and so I feel more aligned with the fearless Simon. Not fully aligned, however,
and so I still have someway to go. Are you in a relationship because you were afraid not to be in that relationship? Did you
chose your life partner because you were afraid that if you did not choose quickly, you might never find another person who
could satisfy most of what you wanted. If you are unhappy with your partner because you felt you made do and now ask the universe
to transform your relationship into a blissful one, how clear do you think your request is going to be? Unless we
are clear about what we want, our lives will reflect the indecision and lack of clarity in our requests.
The most powerful requests reflect everything about who we are.
You cannot fool the universe by over powering it with persuasive lamentations. You cannot
convince the universe that notwithstanding what you do or say you really do want what you’re asking for. Getting clear
about what we really want requires that we understand who we are, who we want to be and what we really desire.
If you really know what you want, then live your requests fully and completely. You are part of
the everything and so have the power to create anything. When we make requests of the universe, we must also be clear in our language.
If, for example, we say to the universe that we wish we were rich, the universe will deliver wishing that we were rich.
The wealth we covet will always be hidden behind a wish. Wishing for something says that we do not
believe that we already have it or do not believe that we are capable of creating it on our own. A wish
says that we do not believe we have the creative power of the universe within us. A wish is infused with
hope, and hope is not a strategy for achieving what we want in our lives! A request to the universe should
be unequivocal. It should be made without fear. It should be made on the basis that
we already have what we desire. Then we must be patient. We will often expect the universe
to deliver on our requests immediately. While this is eminently possible, delivering on requests immediately
requires complete knowing and clarity in the making of our requests. It requires commitment on our part
to remain aligned in our communications. It may require some action on our part. Sometimes
action that requires years of commitment. The more one practices, the more quickly our requests will be
fulfilled. Getting
clear about who we are, who we want to be and so what our true desires are is part of our journey of self-discovery.
As I describe it in an earlier thought, it involves a process of defragmentation. Discovering who
we are and defining clearly, who we want to be, free of the dysfunction that years of unhelpful programming have manifested.
Empowering ourselves to make choices based on the things we truly desire and not based on our fears. The
reality is that we already have all we have asked for. If you are happy with your life, then keep doing
what your doing and being who you want to be. If you desire something else, I hope that this site will
help you to better understand yourself and so empower you to make clearer requests for what you truly want from the universe.
(March 28th 2009)
25. THOUGHTS ON LOSING A BELOVED PARENT AND COMMENCING THE
JOURNEY TO ACCEPTANCE
On the 20th of July, just over 6 weeks from today, my beautiful, generous, beloved mother
transitioned from this life to the next.
The being that I knew as my mother
had cast off the skin that we had grown so familiar with and freed herself to be with us all, at all
times and in all places. She started her journey as many do, with
some level of surprise. She had been ill but I am sure her
last moments were not anticipated. She had been
somewhat ill for just eight or nine months, having been diagnosed with bilateral pulmonary embolisms. Embolism are an obstruction of blood vessels by a foreign substance or blood clots. Pulmonary
embolisms are obstructions of the blood vessels in the lungs. In my mother’s
case, caused by blood clots. Bilateral means that she had clots in both lungs. Clotting of the blood is not an uncommon phenomenon and can be caused by myriad factors. In my mother’s case, based on a short discussion that I had with her general medical practitioner after she
had transitioned, they appear to have been caused by airline travel (see below the companion comment
on flying and the risk of deep vein thrombosis).
My mother had been flying quite a bit in recent years to see her sister and
to undertake dental work in Serbia. The prognosis
for pulmonary embolisms is not a good if they are not caught early on. We were not sure whether my mother’s embolisms were caught in good time.
We simply hoped that they were. The treatment for embolisms caused by blood clotting is typically a program of
blood thinners. So, in November last year, my mother commenced a course
of blood thinning medication that was scheduled to last for 6 months. In May this year, she was taken off her medication; something
she was very pleased about, as it appeared the treatment had worked its magic. I visited my mother in June and walked with her to her local bus stop where she had for years
caught her bus to college. On our way to the bus stop, she became short of breath
but she believed this was caused by damage to her lungs, rather than by a reoccurrence
of the embolisms.
Just before I returned to New York,
she began to complain about a painful foot.
The pain appeared
from nowhere and became progressively worse.
We feared that she may have some other
clotting, possibly a deep vein thrombosis in her leg (See Companion Comment Below). Just after I returned to New York, she visited the doctor and after weeks of tests, they concluded that she did not
have a deep vein thrombosis but had in fact broken a bone in her foot. How, we
still do not know. It was with great relief that she
reported that news to us.
The hospital
put a heavy plaster cast on her foot and leg that pretty much immobilized her (not an ideal situation
for a person who had suffered from blood clotting. To reduce the risk of further clotting, regular exercise is critical.) She did not enjoy the heavy plaster cast and after some frustration
she had the cast removed and replaced with a foot brace. She
told us that she felt much better now that the plaster cast was off and we too felt great relief. A few weeks later, she went to bed and I am sure with no thought
that this would be her last night, she fell asleep and did not wake up. The cause of transition, pulmonary embolisms and deep vein thrombosis.
I received a call at 5.30 am New York Time on Tuesday, 20
July 2010 from my former wife Georgina who, in hysterics, told me that my mother
had passed away. If you ever received such a call, you will know that the
initial shock tends to numb you. For a moment, you do not know what
to do, or to say. You feel an enormous sinking feeling and then, as the numbness wears
off, you feel crushing sorrow. My wonderful wife, Natalie,
hugged me and offered condolences and love. I needed space
to be with the thought that my precious mother had gone. I went to the spare room in my apartment and lay on the bed, crying in disbelief. I knew that I was not the first to receive such news nor would I be the last and still, I
felt completely alone in my experience. After a while, I got
up and went back into our bedroom. I
needed to be active and to start to think about traveling to London to be with my family and
to make funeral arrangements. It’s not uncommon for humans, soon after receiving
terrible news, to begin filling their time with things to do. When you are focused on those things, you can pretend that the news was never received or at
least for moments dissociate yourself from the suffering that the news and associated
thoughts bring. Natalie booked a flight for London
for around 6.00 pm that evening. I notified my father and tried to call my brother Gary who was in Spain on vacation with his
family.
I arrived at JFK airport,
still shaken and shaking from the events of the day.
It was coincidentally our third
wedding anniversary that day and so I exchanged gifts with Natalie; we expressed love and support
for each other, and after a coffee at a terminal restaurant I disappeared behind the
security barriers. Then, I was alone. Nothing
to do to keep my mind away from those turbulent, angst filled thoughts. Just the prospect of 7 hours on a plane, with nothing to do but think. I had no idea how I would feel when I arrived in London or at my mother’s home. No idea how I
would feel when I saw my girls, my father or Georgina, who had agreed with her husband, to collect me
from the airport. I did not know who I would be or who I could be at
this unique moment in my life. Time seemed to
stretch out into infinity. There was no longer
an obvious end to the day, week or year. The person who had helped
to create me, who carried me for nine months, bore me, fed and nurtured me had transitioned.
My context for life seemed to have disappeared. I had dark thoughts, questioning the need to go on. Thoughts
I knew were unhelpful and shaped by loss and the fear of change. So I also began to wonder, how could I escape this suffering
and these dark and painful thoughts. How could I find salvation on this plane, heading into what
I had considered a critical corner of my earthly heaven, my mother’s home and embrace.
I pulled out a notebook that I had stuffed into my carry
on bag before leaving the apartment. I thought I might want to write, as writing
can be so cathartic. I had been inspired to write so many poems on planes, either
leaving or journeying towards my many loved ones. I thought maybe a pen and paper may offer me some relief. The power of words is immeasurable, particularly those that flow from silence and arrive gently
like blessed surprise guests at the doorway of our consciousness. Such words had saved me before and I was hopeful they would save
me again.
I wondered who would I be
when I got to London. Who could I be that would help elevate
me above the pain of my loss.
I had been my
mother’s magical son.
She had
loved my writing and loved my spiritually and philosophical approach to life and its many challenges. We would speak for hours about my thoughts on this or that, some of which are on these pages. She loved my web site and would check regularly for any new
poems, thoughts and music.
I don’t know for sure that
she will see these written thoughts, but I have a sneaky feeling that she knows
all that I am thinking and feeling. So who would I be when I arrive in
London. I wrote the following on a page and
half of my notebook:
“- I AM HERE TO CELEBATE MY MOTHER’S LIFE
- TO SUPPORT THOSE
WHO NEED SUPPORT
- TO UNDERSTAND THE PAIN THAT LOSING
A MOTHER, A WIFE, A GRANDMOTHER AND FRIEND CAN CAUSE
- I AM HERE TO BE
MY MOTHER’S MAGICAL SON.
ALWAYS FINDING
OPPORTUNITY TO COUNTER ANY SENSE THAT THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG.
- I AM HERE
TO BE MY BEST
- - TO EXPRESS LOVE
- TO SEND MY MOTHER’S BODY BACK TO
THE EARTH AND TO EMBRACE AND CELEBRATE HER LIFE X”
I sat with those words on the page for some
time. I thought hard and long about what they meant. I embraced them
as my mission.
I committed to exemplifying all that
was beautiful about my mother and all that my mother saw that was beautiful in me. Although the dark cloud that hung over me continued to do so for many weeks after I arrived in London, my commitment to being
and expressing the best of myself and my mother created a door through which I
could see, feel and taste the salvation that comes with the acceptance of what is. Seeing the opportunity
behind that door gave me the strength to be my best. My journey
towards true acceptance had begun as I sat on that plane and next to me, supporting me
and loving me, was my mother, calling me into being the son whom she knew me to be.
September 5, 2010
25A.
COMPANION COMMENT ON FLYING, EMBOLISMS AND DEEP VEIN THROMBOSIS
The
causes of my mother’s transition were pulmonary embolisms and deep vein thrombosis (DVT). A deep vein thrombosis is
a blood clot that forms in the veins deep inside the leg. It can occur at any age but is much more common in older people.
The clot may break away from its position and travel through the heart to the lung where it may cause severe symptoms that
can result in death. My mother had been treated for pulmonary embolisms but none of us were aware of the deep vein thrombosis.
Whether it was formed as a consequence of her flying, breaking her foot or otherwise is not clear. According to the
doctors, flying is the most likely cause of the embolisms in my mother’s lungs. Flying could therefore have caused the
DVT, which lay in hiding, waiting to strike.
In 2001 The Lancet, a respect British medical publication,
estimated that 1,000,000 US travelers develop travel related deep vein thrombosis (DVT) of which 100,000 are fatal. One
study suggests that frequent business travelers have a 5% chance each year of developing a deep vein thrombosis.
A study by the UK-based Aviation Health Institute found that 17% of flight-related DVT cases occurred in association
with short flights. It has also been demonstrated that the duration of travel
is not linked to the severity of the thrombosis suffered. (Parsi et. al. Australian and New Zealand Journal of Phlebology June 2001). Another possible, critical
contributor to my mother’s transition was a failure to appreciate the risks of flying. When flying, therefore, be informed.
Airlines often provide information to help reduce the risk of DVT. Pay attention!
Some basic tips - beware
of alcohol on flights as it dehydrates the body, increasing the risk of DVT (for wine drinkers, some studies suggest that
small amounts of red wine may also help reduce the risk of clotting). Two simple activities proven to
significantly reduce the risk of in flight generated DVTs - get up and move around the cabin during
the flight and drink plenty of water. If you are particularly concerned, you can wear “compression stockings”.
These put pressure on leg muscles and help return blood flow from the legs to the heart. These too can reduce the risk of forming in flight DVTs. Be informed, if you have time inform others, and
take care.
September 5, 2010
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